Abandonment Issues

I’m sure that this here blog is thinking I don’t love it anymore. That it’s no longer the cute, fluffy blog it was when I first got it and the new has worn off.

However, I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.  I have written dozens of little notes of ideas about what to write. Things that make me happy. Things that stress me out. Random thoughts. Dozens I tell you. But I can’t seem to make it all come together.

Do I write about how I have self diagnosed Social Anxiety Disorder? I mean, sure, I tend to turn down or flake out on more plans then average. Sure, I’m paranoid that no one likes me, but even more freaked out if it seems like they do like me. But really, who wants to get inside that messed up of a mind?

Do I write about my job? My job that I truly love and cherish, particularly in these trying times? Who wants to hear about a business that is well run, that has a contingency plan, that is turning down business that isn’t “worth it’s time?” That kind of talk gets no attention these days. It’s almost a fairytale.

Do I write about my new car? I love it. It’s a 2007 Nissan Versa  hatchback. I’ve named it Earl. (it’s grey, get it, Earl Grey?!?!)  It reminds me of a baby elephant. It has all sorts of fun bells and whistles, including a sunroof. Sunroofs are cool.

How about boys? Let’s see what I have to say about them these days. Love them. The fuzzier the better. Silly? Sign me up. Possibility of stunted maturity…WOO HOO! Completely uninterested in me….YES! So, basically same ‘ol same ‘ol in the world of boys.

Politics? Always a good subject. Obama’s in. Life is good. I’m proud of our president and have to punch myself every once in awhile when I hear “President Obama.”

Fear? My fears are random and somewhat debilitating. I fear I will never find true love. I fear that I am too OK with being alone. I fear that my parents will die suddenly and I won’t know how to go on. I fear that my hair never looks good. I fear being depressed, again. I fear that my outfits are too “matchy-matchy.” I fear I will never be a parent. I fear that if I were to become a parent, I wouldn’t be a good one. I fear that my cats feel neglected. I fear that I love my dog WAY too much.

My dog…that’s a good one. I love him. Possibly too much (see above) but he is a companion to me in ways I have never known. He got to go to California with me at Christmas and was a camp on the plane. We took him to the beach and that little furry face smelling all the wondrous smells of the ocean was one of the most joyous things I have ever witnessed.

Wii fit? Love it. Haven’t been on it for a week (thanks virus!) but it makes me actually enjoy exercising. I can actually tell that I’m becoming more flexible, etc…..Bravo Nintendo!

I could probably go on and on. Typing lots, saying little. Basically I just want my blog to know that I still love it. Hopefully, one day soon, I can sit down and write a thorough, possibly interesting and informative post.  But not today dear blog, mommy’s got a headache.

What’s on my mind today.

  1. a certain friend who is being distant these days. When I ask them about something in particular they indicate that I don’t know what’s going on with their world right now and when I point out that the inquiry was attempting to remedy that precise situation, they say nothing.
  2. an email a friend sent me the other day about “farting strawberries” that continues to make me laugh out loud.
  3. how men can walk into the bathroom with a cup of coffee or other beverage in their hands and do their business. Even if they put the cup on the counter, who knows what kind of “spray” is floating around there. My office is across from the men’s room and I have offered my desk, etc…as a storage spot for beverages. Not nearly enough of them have taken me up on this offer.
  4. sometimes I think that I don’t express aspects of my personality and interest correctly. For example, I love to go to art shows, etc….but I think most people think I’m just a bar type gal.
  5. in addition to art, I also enjoy this immensely. If only I could roller skate and was at all a bad ass.
  6. I want attention from boys, but I don’t want to have to ask for it. Wait, correction, I want attention from certain boys.
  7. most people don’t get me. It’s not that I’m all complicated or anything, I think people just don’t know what to make of me a lot of the time. I guess it makes sense since I don’t know what to make of myself a lot of the time. Perhaps I need to find more folks who are willing to come along for the ride.
  8. There is a boy/man in my office whose hair I want to run my fingers through. In a meeting yesterday I could vividly imagine myself reaching across the table and doing just that. I even think my arm twitched a bit in an effort to move my imagination into reality.
  9. I can’t wait to move into my new place, but HATE packing.
  10. If I look just to the right of my monitor I see my Tim Gunn bobblehead and a chair that has one of my old bridesmaid dresses and a box with a broken piggy bank in it.
  11. My hair needs to be colored in the worst way.
  12. Everyone keeps coming in and “borrowing” my flavored coffee creamer. Whatever.
  13. There is a member of my family who is dying. This person has done terrible things and has pretty much ruined a segment of my family. However, they have recreated themselves for people who don’t know the “other stuff” and those people are completely devastated at the idea of the loss. I feel bad for the people who are able to live in ignorant bliss about this person.
  14. I miss my girlfriends in Cali. like crazy. Recently I’ve just wished it was like 9 years ago and we were all ruling the music department at a So Cal Borders with caustic wit and more estrogen then you can shake a stick at. The best part is that, even though we don’t see each other very often (and I see them the least of all) I know that they will always have my back and I will always have theirs.
  15. I really wish the damn IT guy would come load iTunes on my computer!!!!
  16. cupcakes again……
  17. my dog
  18. how my March madness bracket could have gone SO badly. However, not badly enough for me to be in last place in the work pool, where I would at LEAST get my $10 back!

Ok–that’s all. My mind has just stopped suddenly. I will now go watch the clock countdown until I will leave the office and go to the bar to play some trivia and drink some vodka…..but seriously, I do like art 🙂

Work crush update

In the last 24 hours, the following have been witnessed by my work crush.

  • Me, meowing like a cat while holding my hair up in two ponytails during last night’s storms. If he had walked in two minutes earlier, it would have been funny, not sad/scary/disturbing.
  • Me, calling my friend who had an unfortunate incident in the ladies room earlier today, “Pee Butt” in a somewhat loud voice.
  • Me, hiking up my jeans before they showed my panties to all in the hall. Of course, he was the only one in the hall and all that was said was “Hey Heather, they have these things called belts. They’re kinda cool.” My response to this was to smile a doofy grin and pick up my pace a bit.
  • Me, upon walking into the kitchen and seeing that no one had thought to make more coffee after finishing the pot, saying “POOP!” quite loudly. THEN, while getting coffee out of the cupboard, before I could even do anything, I hear “OOOO, stripes, perhaps the belt isn’t for you.” I turned red, tried to act cool, hit the “start brew” button and  watched while a few tablespoons of coffee fell to the floor before I realized that I needed to replace the pot.

Seriously, I think I may have some sort of condition. It may require professional help. Or maybe I need to start drinking at work, then at least I would have an excuse for my behavior.

Oh dear!

Well, it looks like I’ve done it again. I’ve gone and gotten myself all crushing on a co-worker. Don’t bother shaking your head at me, I’m doing it myself. Sure, the last few days I’ve been attracted to nearly every male to cross my path…but this fella has been popping up in my thoughts for longer then the hormone fairies have been in town. He is also affecting the way I act at work….WHY?!?!?

A couple of weeks ago I was in a meeting and caught myself starting some witty banter with him. That self-realiztion resulted in my becoming suddenly mute. Later that day he came to my office to ask me a question and I was pretty much acting as though I had some sort of impediment that prevented me from communicating like a normal human being. His response to my actions, “You’re having an ‘off’ day aren’t ya?” THANK GOD he didn’t think this was normal for me.

On Halloween I took the holiday as the opportunity to wear a tiara. In a small meeting I was asked if I was a princess….my response “I’m the princess of (my dept) god dammit!” This was said with all the attitude I had in me. I think I even did a neck roll sort of thing. In the midst of the giggling of the other two people in the office with me, I look up to see HIM, in the doorway, not at all sure what to make of what he has walked in to. Damn I’m cool.

Last week I agreed to be at a before work hours meeting because he was going to be there. Bastard didn’t show up….he was running late. I’m sorry, but one shouldn’t run late when I’m having a good hair day AND am wearing my favorite sweater (which isn’t super lovely, but has some sort of magic power that makes me super cool in it).

He walks past my office and my stomach gets weird.

He stands in the hallway outside my office talking to someone else and I shut off my music and eavesdrop.  I mean, sure, he’s talking about the ad shoot for a new client, but I anticipate the conversation being something like “Sure, we can use that director. I mean, I totally have the hots for Heather, so I’m sure he’d do a great job.”  I’m paraphrasing of course.

During an agency meeting when he is giving a presentation about some recent work, I found myself staring at him, even when he was not speaking. I’m pretty sure I got caught a couple of times.  My eyes were so glassed over at the lack of excitement in the meeting that I couldn’t divert my attention very much. I seriously should teach classes on how to be smooth!

Popped into a gathering this morning and he was there. I think I answered all the questions asked of me, but I knowthat his hair looks soft today and that the jeans and black shirt combo works.

What am I thinking?  What good can come of this?  He’s totally older then I am…sure, probably in the range of age I SHOULD be attracted to, but still. His pants are usually too short and sometimes, oh my, I hate to even say this, PLEATED!  But he likes Modest Mouse. He’s good with words. He has nice teeth (and he smokes…so that’s saying something). I’ve started to associate songs with him. He’s got a beard….which is such a “thing” for me these days. I’m pretty sure he’s single and unattached.

Oh hell, office crushes are fun. I’ve already picked out a few places that would be great for a “rendez vous” or a little afternoon delight. Let’s hope I don’t get a glass front on my office…. I’m just saying.

The Power of a Positive Workplace

For five years of my life I had a job I hated. I liked what I did and I liked who I worked with, I even liked the clients….but I hated the person I worked for. Think of the most evil person you can and this guy would be their evil twin. It was a very unhealthy situation that lead to physical and emotional problems that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

That situation ended for me at the beginning of this year and I can’t begin to explain how wonderful it has been.  I have been told that I don’t even look like the same person anymore….as a compliment. I’m not naive enough to think that my current place of employment is perfect, I know that it is not, but it is pretty fantastic.

There is a fun atmosphere here that not only is not frowned upon by management, but is encouraged! It’s advertising. You’ve got lots of creative types around. You work people to death. They deserve to have a party every couple of weeks with beer provided by the agency.  What office wouldn’t benefit from forming groups to make a vespa out of playdough and pipecleaners? What building wouldn’t be made more fun with a fire pole?

What really strikes me is the way that people treat each other here. A few weeks ago one of my co-worker’s husbands was killed in a car accident.  The whole agency was somber–even though few of us knew her that well.  We took up a collection of money, she was told to take as much time off as she needed–with pay, when she came back people started including her in all sorts of little activities, just to take care of her.  When my grandmother passed away, I told only my boss.  Within 30 minutes I had received countless hugs in the hallway and emails of support. It just kinda makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

It’s not only the bad times where folks come together.  A couple of folks who work here got married this past weekend. If the agency were high school, they would SO be the cool kids.  A woman in my department was paging the new Mrs. and stumbled on her new last name.  The whole building sort of chuckled.  Then the new Mr. got on the paging system and said he really liked the sound of that new name.  We all cheered.

Sometimes I tell stories about my new job and they sound like fairy tales.  With a company that is more than10 times larger than my previous employer, you would think that it would seem less personal, but it’s not.  There is some back biting and snippiness. There are endless, meaningless meetings and decisions made by management that are confusing as hell, but in the end, it’s a damn good place to be and I’m incredibly thankful that I am here now. I’m pretty sure that if I was still at my old job …well….I don’t even want to think about that.

A Brief Accounting

Here is a brief list of my faults, issues, and confessions. There is no way in the universe that I would ever be able to list all of them, but here are the ones that seem to be causing me the most trauma lately.

  • I fear commitment
  • I fear being lonely
  • I like the wrong boys for the wrong reasons
  • I have big pores
  • I have a tendency to want people to like me so much that I don’t actually let them get to know the “real” me
  • I feel too much
  • I think too much
  • I eat chips and dip for breakfast sometimes
  • I don’t always brush my teeth twice a day
  • I wear my contacts for days on end when I am not supposed to
  • I love my pets too much
  • I REALLY love my dog too much
  • I’m self-centered
  • I can be self-destructive
  • I take insults well
  • I take compliments horribly
  • I don’t speak up for injustice because I still believe that people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time
  • I have no tolerance for stupidity
  • When people say “Do what?” instead of “pardon me” “what was that?” or even “huh?” I want to scream
  • I bite my fingernails
  • I don’t like to clean my kitchen
  • I rarely put away my laundry
  • My good intentions outnumber my good deeds exponentially
  • I expect return phone calls
  • I have no problem sleeping with someone on the first date
  • I have dozens of pairs of shoes and handbags
  • There are 5 handbags in my possession that I have never used
  • I let my dog kiss me on the mouth (mouth closed!)
  • I’m easily entertained
  • I’m easily discouraged
  • I start lots of things that I never finish
  • I get ridiculously happy in the presence of musicians
  • I fear clowns, little people and lawn work
  • I put on a brave face when I want to cry
  • I spent so much of my life trying to not talk too loud that I now get accused of talking too softly
  • I sleep in my clothes more often then anyone with an actual home and actual pajamas should
  • I still believe in fairytales
  • If it wouldn’t make me sick I would only eat appetizers and desserts and only drink Tropicana Light Lemonade or Vodka Tonics
  • I like to get drunk….even if I sometimes fall down
  • I have a list of boys that I want to “lick from head to toe”–it’s a VERY short list and easier to get off then get on
  • I have a freakishly short tongue
  • Sometimes I would rather sit at home alone on Saturday night then go out with actual people
  • If I stay at home alone on Saturday night instead of going out with actual people, I will be pissed at myself about it on Sunday
  • I still draw on myself from time to time, but now I call it “tattoo research”
  • I want better cleavage
  • I rarely make my bed
  • I can’t find the right lipstick color
  • I need something to wear to the agency anniversary party
  • I’m more excited about the open bar at the anniversary party than Ricky Skaggs performing
  • I need a date to the anniversary party—ok, I don’t NEED one, I want one, one particular one.
  • I obsess over boys
  • I quote song lyrics a LOT!
  • I have an oral fixation
  • I want to go canoeing again, with pretty much the same exact people and a whole bucket full of new knowledge
  • I need new panties
  • I have bouts of insomnia and bouts of “whatever you call it when all you do is sleep, but not because you are depressed or physically exhausted”
  • I’m not participating in “Hands on Nashville Day” because I don’t want to be too tired to raise hell with my buddies Reckless Kelly that night
  • I still haven’t finished Harry Potter book 4 and it’s making me want to abandon the series all together
  • I’m tired of listing my faults

Random randomness

My mind doesn’t seem to be able to hold on to thoughts for very long these days. I want to blame the Venti Non-fat Cinnamon Dolce Latte I had today, or the less then pleasant experiences of the past couple of weeks, or planetary alignment. But, I know, in my heart of hearts, that it is just how I get sometimes (although all of the previously mentioned things can’t be helping) When faced with this kind of “mood” I like to make lists. Here is a list of the things that are on heavy rotation in my brain right now:

  • I need to get out of town and go somewhere new FAST!  Barbados, Paris (France, Texas OR Tennessee would be fine) Boston, Frankort KY, wherever….just somewhere I’ve never been.
  • I need to make out with a boy. Soon. I have some people in mind. Is it a sign of a good kisser when you haven’t kissed someone in months, but you can close your eyes and go right back to that last kiss and it makes your stomach flip and your lips tingle?
  • The “Rockstar Casual” dress code for the upcoming agency anniversary party has me stumped.  There is a part of me that wants to go super fabulous, but then again, how much attention do I want?  I WILL be wearing fake eyelashes and some sweet shoes…the rest is a mystery.
  • I have ideas for a few paintings, but I can’t seem to get my happy ass to the art supply store to get canvas.  WTF?
  • Book 4 of Harry Potter is still haunting me. Haunting me because I haven’t finished it.  I think I will go buy books 5 & 6 tonight as inspiration.
  • My cough is still lingering. It’s not as bad and is a totally different cough then it had been, but still annoying.
  • I worry about the holidays this year…I think it will be hard for my Dad.
  • My house needs to be cleaned. Parts are clean, but for the life of me, I don’t seem to be able to get the whole thing clean at the same time!
  • Karl Dean is the new mayor of Nashville. While he would be my second choice, I can’t say anything since I didn’t vote. And NO my first choice was NOT Bob Clement!
  • It is finally nice outside. It was actually COOL outside this morning. I left the windows open last night…..YIPPEEE!
  • I miss my Grandma at odd times. The picture I have of her on my desk makes me smile….and then frown.
  • My job no longer feels like my “new” job. I feel at home here, happy here, appreciated here. Things are good in my career world…..something that was not even close to true a year ago this time.
  • Two weeks from Saturday is the Reckless Kelly show….and I CANNOT WAIT!!!  I love those boys so much and always have so much fun with them I can’t stand it!
  • Mindy Smith’s song “Peace of Mind” is a song I can relate to completely. There isn’t a thought or word in it that doesn’t ring true for me most of the time. I love her and all her craziness!!
  • I’m so excited to be going to Peter’s for sushi tonight.  My mouth waters at the thought. YUMMMMM.
  • The issue of sexuality has been on my mind a lot lately. I truly believe that we are born either hetero or homosexual—or bi-sexual (but I think that happens much less then some would lead you to believe) To think that someone would CHOOSE to be attracted to a particular gender is silly. All of the gay people I know remember being young and being attracted to the same gender. They also remember it being wrong. That makes me sad. How can a societal attitude permeate so strongly that even before it’s ever really discussed, a person can feel “wrong” about how they feel about something, ANYTHING.
  • I need new panties!
  • I have decided on my next tattoo and I want it NOW! I wonder how people will react to it at work, but I don’t think it will be bad.

Well, I guess that is all for now. I already feel more focused now that I’ve cleaned my mind of those thoughts.  They are still in there…but a bit more organized and laid back now.

Another reason to not smoke

disclaimer: it is not that rare a sight to see me with a cigarette in my hand. If that happens I am very drunk. But in general, I don’t smoke.

So, it’s been like a bazillion degrees outside the last week or so and if for that reason alone, I would think the smokers at my office would cut back.  They haven’t.

This email went out to the whole company today:

Heads Up!  Literally – if you go out the side door to smoke, just be aware there is a bat sleeping on the ceiling of the alcove.  He’s sleeping quite sound and will not bother you, but just wanted everyone to know he’s there.  Happy Friday!!!

If this is not reason enough to not smoke, I don’t know what is.  I think bats may scare me more then lung cancer.

 

Confessions

It has been said that confession is good for the soul. So until some university gets a bazillion dollars to study this and prove it wrong (while people are dying of diseases and such) I will stick with random confessions.

For the record, my idea of a confession is to tell the world (or whoever will listen) about things that either I am not proud of, am afraid of, or simply don’t make me very cool.  (In general I don’t know that I am very cool, so in theory everything I say is a confession?  oh hell, I’m rambling now).

My confessions for August 1, 2007:

  1. I enjoy massive disasters.  Well, I don’t know that enjoy is the right word. I become obsessed with the terrible things that happen in this world.  Perfect example; the bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis today.  I saw the headline on msnbc.com and I felt my heart race.  I ran into the living room and turned on the TV.  I watched for a good hour, the same footage, over and over. When the Oklahoma City Bombing happened, I took a day off work.  Granted, I used to live there and had friends downtown, etc….but still.  September 11, don’t even get me started!  I think it’s an illness.  I tell myself that it is like walking around when you have a cramp in your calf, it hurts a lot at first, but then it gets sort of numb.  Perhaps I think that if I watch all the horrible things that go on in the world, I will be more prepared when something happens to me, or maybe I will just have a better perspective on things?  Who knows.
  2. Sometimes I think I want to be a redneck.  Wait…that sounds weird.  Ok…bottom line, I find myself attracted to redneck boys.  There.  I like the truck driving, beer drinking, stripper bar going,boob obsessed, questionably educated, loud, harsh country boys.  I can’t get enough of them sometimes. I know there is no sort of relationship to be had, I am way too bourgeoisie —-yep, I’m uppity too.  But the thought of being curled up next to a warm boy who smells of beer and cigarettes in the bed of his truck in the middle of nowhere and not giving a shit that there is a gun rack in the cab or that he very well might have voted for W (if he voted at all) seems nice. We wouldn’t be bogged down with conversation, just lots of making out, etc…..
  3. I bought 3 boxes of cereal at the grocery store today.  I did this knowing full well that I had 4 boxes in the cupboard at home.
  4. I’m obsessed with myspace.  Yep, I’m a tad too old.  Yep, I’m a total voyeur. But come on now, how flippin’ awesome is it to be able to see how groups of friends overlap?  How about musical tastes….important things to find out about people.  The random layouts and shit that people put on their profiles….VERY informative.  Being able to look at pictures of people you kind of know or want to know better…HELL YEAH!  It’s kind of a good thing that I don’t have access to it at work….I can look up porn, but not myspace….since I would waste even more ridiculous amounts of time on it. I do, however, sometimes wish, that I had myspace friends who would leave me nasty pictures or questionable humor comments.  It goes back to my not so secret love for the rednecks I guess.
  5. I can eat almost a full bag of reduced fat Ruffles (they aren’t as greasy and are more ‘potato-y’, it’s not a health thing) and a full container of Publix’s Black Bean Cheddar dip within 24 hours.  Hell, who am I kidding, 12 hours!  I will eat it for “dinner” and then “breakfast.”  I’m sick, truly sick…..
  6. I check my blog stats a million times a day.  Ok, that’s an exaggeration ( I exaggerate also!) But I check them alot!  I also check on blogs that I make comments on to see if there has been a response to a comment I’ve made.  For example, I made a comment on a blog today of a person that I am FREAKISHLY fond of and their response, which was 4 letters and an emoticon…made me smile so hard for so long that my cheeks hurt. Yes, I need constant reassurance, but it really takes so so little 🙂

OK–that’s all the confessing I have in me for today.  I’m tired.  I need to go read some more Harry Potter and my dog just rolled off the bed in his sleep.  Should be an interesting night 🙂