Once

I just got home from seeing the movie Once . If any of the following things ring true to you, RUN to see this movie, drive a couple of hours if you have to:

  • You are a sucker for a musician
  • Stories of unrequited love speak to you
  • Irish accents, even when impossible to understand, make you smile
  • The process of making music might as well be magic
  • You never give up hope
  • You want to bring happiness to people, even if it isn’t in the exact way YOU would like them to be happy

Seriously, I LOVED this movie. If I had seen this on a date, I can’t even imagine how the rest of the night had been, but I guarantee I wouldn’t be writing this right now. I saw it with my Dad. He paid AND bought me killer chicken fingers afterwards. He liked the movie OK, but wasn’t as enamored as I was. He was irritated that a movie so focused on music had three basic songs that were played over and over. I get that. Life is like that, three songs, played over and over, each time the words take on new meanings and importance. I SO get it. There is also the aspect of unrequited love and words unspoken. The male lead kind of throws it all out on the table early on in the movie, but it’s out of a kind of desperation, a desperation you feel when you first meet someone and they make you happier then you have been in awhile and you might say things because you fear you will never get another chance to say them. It’s an honest desperation. As the film progresses, he says less and less in words, but the desperation never leaves. It starts to invade the movie-goer’s stomach and draws you even further into this simple, sweet, complicated story.

I can’t even begin to go into how much I enjoyed this film and how it seemed to take over my being while I was watching it. I can, however, discuss how it made me think about some things in my life, mostly (this is a big shocker) boys.

Things I wish I hadn’t done (situations that involved boys I’ve liked only) :

  • A dubious (drunken) hook-up with someone that I knew better then to hook up with
  • Getting so drunk in front of them that I could not stand up
  • Being the first to pull away when we hug
  • Drunken texts (um–I’m sensing a pattern here–perhaps my issues are with alcohol more then boys)
  • Slinking out after a night of sharing the same bed (totally platonicly) when they  snuggled up to me
  • Not realizing how wonderful a person they are  for so long

Things I want to say or do every time I see a boy I like (and know):

  • Hug them so long that my arms go numb
  • Bury my face in their neck and take in their smell
  • Tell them that I think that we have a lot of fun together and that we could have even more and know that this would be only an addition to our relationship
  • Not look away when they look at me in the eyes and I fear they can read my mind
  • Be myself, silly and stupid and even smart sometimes and know that it won’t change they way they think of me in any way but a positive way
  • Grab their ass
  • Rub their shoulders
  • Put my hands on their face and just look at them
  • Countless other things that I won’t let myself do

The end of “Once” was quite ambiguous. I have already come up with about 10 scenarios as to what happened next. My life these days has been quite ambiguous also, but I have only a couple of good endings for that.

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Blog Action Day, the Environment and Boys

I was sent a link about Blog Action Day and the idea of it seemed both intriguing and a challenge.  Since I am normally talking about boys or dog or inane things like that on here, the environment seems a tad “deep” for me.  But you know what?  I care about the environment…and not just like everyone SAYS they care about it, I vote on environmental issues and for candidates to share my environmental views. (Please disregard the huge number of plastic water bottles I use and discard…..I’m working on it!)

I also like the idea of a huge number of bloggers blogging about the same thing and having that subject NOT be about some people’s inability to wear panties or “keep it in their pants.”

So, here are my thoughts on the environment.

This past weekend I was in Southwestern Michigan for a family funeral.  After all that stuff was taken care of, my mother and I went to the Elk’s Fish Fry…I’m sure you’re jealous.  Many long time friends were there, including one who is in charge of a large plumbing company in the area.  He and I got to talking about a recent trip he took to Wyoming and Utah and how lovely those areas are, etc… He then mentioned that he is going to a conference in Colorado to learn about “green” building practices.  He thought it was funny since Michigan is one of the worst polluters in the USA.  His words were “Seems kinda stupid to build a green building by a coal plant.”  I told him I thought that was the PERFECT place to build a green building.  These little pockets of the country where green building has become “cool” are not going to fix the larger problems.  If we can start moving into industrial areas and show folks that building with an eye on the environmental effects is not only beneficial to the future, but not a big pain in the ass right now, then folks will do it, or at least not fight it so much.

The environment is not the worry for only the tree-huggers and hippies.  We all live on this planet. All those conservative types with roman numerals after your name….want those numbers to stop getting bigger with future generations, ignore the environment.  Blind people who are protesting electric cars (seriously!) seem to be missing the forest for the trees.  I know, they are blind and such, but seriously, BIG PICTURE people.  Perhaps electric cars will take away the urge for the government to drill for oil in protected lands?

I don’t have a fancy powerpoint or a Nobel Peace Prize.  I don’t have a lot of facts and figures to back up my ideas about the environment.  I try to read as much as I can, I try to limit my impact where I can.  I try to do anything I can so I can take a nice long walk with a cute dark haired boy and my dog in a field of flowers, or go canoeing with friends in a river that doesn’t have more paint then water in it, or walk outside without needing a breathing treatment. If we all do little things, big things can happen. It’s really the only way.

The falsehood of mirrors

I saw a title of a blog that said “The beauty the mirrors don’t reflect.” It was categorized under “religion” and as a result didn’t interest me as I am not in the mood to read about anyone’s religion today.

It made me think though.  I don’t think mirrors EVER reflect beauty. At least no mirrors I look in.  This isn’t a “poor me, I’m not a total hottie” post, quite the opposite.  When I look in mirrors I tend to be looking for flaws, or looking to see that I have primped and prodded and covered and contorted myself so that physical issues are not as pronounced.  The times I have seen beauty in a mirror was more because I saw myself as happy. I noticed I was standing taller or had a flirtier look on my face or some other random thing like that.

True beauty is really reflected all around…just rarely in mirrors. Next time you are out with a group of friends or just one friend, catch the beauty reflected in the windows, or the silverware, or the glasses or the happiness in your friends’ faces.  Say something silly or stupid (intentional or not) and see your beauty reflected in the laughter on someone else’s face. Beauty has so little to do with hair, clothes and makeup, but so much more to do with personality and strength and courage and weakness and openness.

A friend told me I looked beautiful this past weekend. As I am wont to do, I said something that completely disagreed with him or pointed out how I was a sweaty as a whore in church and my hair was a disaster, etc…. He argued with me and said that there was no way that anyone who was as happy as I was at that moment could be anything but beautiful.  It’s times like that I wish I could see myself through other people’s eyes.  I think I miss the good things about myself a lot of the time.  I think most people miss the good things about themselves a lot of the time.

Earlier in the week I was out with some friends at a bar.  We were on the patio since Noodle was with me. My intentions had been to stop by to wish someone happy birthday, drop off a gift certificate I had to the bar for the group to share and be on my way.  I figured no one would be all hyped on sitting outside with me and my dog.  Slowly but surely, they all came out and we took over the patio.  I know that the main draw was Noodle, he’s so dang cute and all, but it ended up that it was more important that we were all together having a good time then it was to be sitting in our favorite booth inside where one of us (me in this case) couldn’t be.  THAT is beauty to me.

Physical beauty is so subjective and so fleeting. I tend to find beauty in “less then lovely” things and sometimes people.  Show me quirks and flaws and idiosyncrasies and I’m all over it. The beauty from these things can’t be reflected in a mirror, it can only be reflected through understanding and appreciation.

Today, and as many days as possible, I will try to catch the reflection of my beauty. I will try to reflect the beauty of my friends. Seems like a worthy goal, no?

A Brief Accounting

Here is a brief list of my faults, issues, and confessions. There is no way in the universe that I would ever be able to list all of them, but here are the ones that seem to be causing me the most trauma lately.

  • I fear commitment
  • I fear being lonely
  • I like the wrong boys for the wrong reasons
  • I have big pores
  • I have a tendency to want people to like me so much that I don’t actually let them get to know the “real” me
  • I feel too much
  • I think too much
  • I eat chips and dip for breakfast sometimes
  • I don’t always brush my teeth twice a day
  • I wear my contacts for days on end when I am not supposed to
  • I love my pets too much
  • I REALLY love my dog too much
  • I’m self-centered
  • I can be self-destructive
  • I take insults well
  • I take compliments horribly
  • I don’t speak up for injustice because I still believe that people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time
  • I have no tolerance for stupidity
  • When people say “Do what?” instead of “pardon me” “what was that?” or even “huh?” I want to scream
  • I bite my fingernails
  • I don’t like to clean my kitchen
  • I rarely put away my laundry
  • My good intentions outnumber my good deeds exponentially
  • I expect return phone calls
  • I have no problem sleeping with someone on the first date
  • I have dozens of pairs of shoes and handbags
  • There are 5 handbags in my possession that I have never used
  • I let my dog kiss me on the mouth (mouth closed!)
  • I’m easily entertained
  • I’m easily discouraged
  • I start lots of things that I never finish
  • I get ridiculously happy in the presence of musicians
  • I fear clowns, little people and lawn work
  • I put on a brave face when I want to cry
  • I spent so much of my life trying to not talk too loud that I now get accused of talking too softly
  • I sleep in my clothes more often then anyone with an actual home and actual pajamas should
  • I still believe in fairytales
  • If it wouldn’t make me sick I would only eat appetizers and desserts and only drink Tropicana Light Lemonade or Vodka Tonics
  • I like to get drunk….even if I sometimes fall down
  • I have a list of boys that I want to “lick from head to toe”–it’s a VERY short list and easier to get off then get on
  • I have a freakishly short tongue
  • Sometimes I would rather sit at home alone on Saturday night then go out with actual people
  • If I stay at home alone on Saturday night instead of going out with actual people, I will be pissed at myself about it on Sunday
  • I still draw on myself from time to time, but now I call it “tattoo research”
  • I want better cleavage
  • I rarely make my bed
  • I can’t find the right lipstick color
  • I need something to wear to the agency anniversary party
  • I’m more excited about the open bar at the anniversary party than Ricky Skaggs performing
  • I need a date to the anniversary party—ok, I don’t NEED one, I want one, one particular one.
  • I obsess over boys
  • I quote song lyrics a LOT!
  • I have an oral fixation
  • I want to go canoeing again, with pretty much the same exact people and a whole bucket full of new knowledge
  • I need new panties
  • I have bouts of insomnia and bouts of “whatever you call it when all you do is sleep, but not because you are depressed or physically exhausted”
  • I’m not participating in “Hands on Nashville Day” because I don’t want to be too tired to raise hell with my buddies Reckless Kelly that night
  • I still haven’t finished Harry Potter book 4 and it’s making me want to abandon the series all together
  • I’m tired of listing my faults

Twitterpated

I am currently completely, 100%, ridiculously twitterpated.

I’ve got it bad!  There are other boys in my world that I find attractive, but they all fall short of one person.  I see a vehicle like his and I get happy in my pants.  I think of him and well, all other thoughts go away.  I have known this person for quite some time.  I’ve never thought of them like this before.  For whatever reason, a few days ago, a switch got flipped in my head and it’s all different now.

I’m trying very hard to not be too much different towards this OH SO FINE fella, but adding a little more flirting to the mix.  Of course, it has been said that I’m flirty all the time…so will he “get it?”  We’ve always had a flirtatious friendship, but now it feels more “meaningful” when I flirt with him. I look back on all the times we have spent together and they all seem different.  They are reflected in a mirror that has some sort of “lust filter” on it. Countless times we have fallen asleep together, snuggled on the couch often times holding hands….and I thought nothing of it. Many times he is the last voice I hear at night, and only lately has that seemed to be a big deal to me.

This person is one of the rare males in my life that I only smile when I think about them.  I don’t feel weird when we don’t talk for weeks at a time, wondering if we’re still friends. When I see him and I don’t know he’s going to be there, my face HURTS from smiling so hard. I never feel awkward around him (although I wonder if that will change) and he’s always complimentary and protective and sweet.  He picks up many tabs and opens doors and makes sure I get to my car and home safe.  He teases me and I never feel the least bit hurt, I always know his teasing is out of love.  I can see him with other girls and I don’t ever question my place in his world. He brings out a confidence in me that few others do.

So, what’s the problem?  Well, I hate to admit it, but I’m pretty sure it’s me.  I fear that I am afraid (can you be afraid to be afraid?) that I will have this man in my life in a different, more romantic role and I will get hurt.  Then if I get hurt there, will I lose my dear friend?  Alone I understand, lonely still gets me, but alone I’m good at.  I say that I am independent, but it’s a defense mechanism.  I’m independent because I am so afraid that the second I rely on someone, they will be gone.  Abandonment issues much?  I’m afraid that if I share too much of myself, something they don’t like will come up (although this person has seen me in some bad times and never skipped a beat). I want so much to just lay it all on the line for this guy, just give my heart to him lock, stock and barrel…but what if he doesn’t want it?  I can’t keep throwing my heart around like a snowball.  Have you ever played catch with a snowball?  It takes some hard packing skills and the other person has to be in on it 🙂  Well, as you throw the ball back and forth, the snowball gets smaller and smaller.  It also gets harder and more painful if it hits you.  The last thing I want is to end up with some tiny, icy rock of a heart. But if I don’t throw it out there, won’t it just melt in my hand?

I can’t remember the last time I felt even remotely like I do about this person. Even the person who had custody of my heart for a long while most recently (not that he wanted it) never made me feel like this. I’m happy.  I’m happy knowing that I share a universe with this person and that when our paths cross, only good will happen. I have friends who are pushing for me to pick up the pace a bit, but I can’t say that I really want to. This place we are at, wherever it is, puts a smile on my face, occupies my mind to the point of distraction…and let’s not forget, makes me happy in my pants.

Random randomness

My mind doesn’t seem to be able to hold on to thoughts for very long these days. I want to blame the Venti Non-fat Cinnamon Dolce Latte I had today, or the less then pleasant experiences of the past couple of weeks, or planetary alignment. But, I know, in my heart of hearts, that it is just how I get sometimes (although all of the previously mentioned things can’t be helping) When faced with this kind of “mood” I like to make lists. Here is a list of the things that are on heavy rotation in my brain right now:

  • I need to get out of town and go somewhere new FAST!  Barbados, Paris (France, Texas OR Tennessee would be fine) Boston, Frankort KY, wherever….just somewhere I’ve never been.
  • I need to make out with a boy. Soon. I have some people in mind. Is it a sign of a good kisser when you haven’t kissed someone in months, but you can close your eyes and go right back to that last kiss and it makes your stomach flip and your lips tingle?
  • The “Rockstar Casual” dress code for the upcoming agency anniversary party has me stumped.  There is a part of me that wants to go super fabulous, but then again, how much attention do I want?  I WILL be wearing fake eyelashes and some sweet shoes…the rest is a mystery.
  • I have ideas for a few paintings, but I can’t seem to get my happy ass to the art supply store to get canvas.  WTF?
  • Book 4 of Harry Potter is still haunting me. Haunting me because I haven’t finished it.  I think I will go buy books 5 & 6 tonight as inspiration.
  • My cough is still lingering. It’s not as bad and is a totally different cough then it had been, but still annoying.
  • I worry about the holidays this year…I think it will be hard for my Dad.
  • My house needs to be cleaned. Parts are clean, but for the life of me, I don’t seem to be able to get the whole thing clean at the same time!
  • Karl Dean is the new mayor of Nashville. While he would be my second choice, I can’t say anything since I didn’t vote. And NO my first choice was NOT Bob Clement!
  • It is finally nice outside. It was actually COOL outside this morning. I left the windows open last night…..YIPPEEE!
  • I miss my Grandma at odd times. The picture I have of her on my desk makes me smile….and then frown.
  • My job no longer feels like my “new” job. I feel at home here, happy here, appreciated here. Things are good in my career world…..something that was not even close to true a year ago this time.
  • Two weeks from Saturday is the Reckless Kelly show….and I CANNOT WAIT!!!  I love those boys so much and always have so much fun with them I can’t stand it!
  • Mindy Smith’s song “Peace of Mind” is a song I can relate to completely. There isn’t a thought or word in it that doesn’t ring true for me most of the time. I love her and all her craziness!!
  • I’m so excited to be going to Peter’s for sushi tonight.  My mouth waters at the thought. YUMMMMM.
  • The issue of sexuality has been on my mind a lot lately. I truly believe that we are born either hetero or homosexual—or bi-sexual (but I think that happens much less then some would lead you to believe) To think that someone would CHOOSE to be attracted to a particular gender is silly. All of the gay people I know remember being young and being attracted to the same gender. They also remember it being wrong. That makes me sad. How can a societal attitude permeate so strongly that even before it’s ever really discussed, a person can feel “wrong” about how they feel about something, ANYTHING.
  • I need new panties!
  • I have decided on my next tattoo and I want it NOW! I wonder how people will react to it at work, but I don’t think it will be bad.

Well, I guess that is all for now. I already feel more focused now that I’ve cleaned my mind of those thoughts.  They are still in there…but a bit more organized and laid back now.

Yet another post about what I am looking for in a boy/relationship.

A friend and I got into a conversation about what one looks for in a relationship.  I claimed that I didn’t really know what I was looking for anymore. Their response was this:

Don’t you want a companion that is also your best friend?  That’s my main goal.  I like having a warm body around to tell my mundane stories about my day to.  Someone who actually cares that I hit only 2 stoplights on the way home.  Stuff like that.  That’s what’s best about any relationship, I think.  That and good cuddle time!

Reading those words it hit me that what I am looking for is exactly that! Companionship and nookie. Someone who notices that I tend to wear the same outfits on the same days of the week. Someone who will pick up my prescriptions for me. Someone I can make dinner for. Someone who I can write silly notes to that will think they are romantic and cute. Someone who will surprise me by showing up at my office with my dog and a picnic lunch, or who I can surprise with the same thing. Someone I can buy cute t-shirts for in the boy’s section.  Someone who lets me pick out their boxers for them. Someone who will think it’s funny when they slip into my dreams or when every song  I hear I relate to them.

So there you have it. Dark hair, guitar and angst are optional. Sense of humor is not optional. Creative skills are optional (well, I mean like artistic–“creativity” in other arenas is always appreciated-heh heh heh). Passion is not optional.

If anyone asks

If anyone asked me what I wanted to do tonight I would know exactly what I would say.

  • First off, I would like to be with a boy.  I have some boys in mind and any one of them, or others of their ilk would work.
  • I’d like to hang out.  Maybe have a cocktail, but not get plastered.  Grab a bite–sure, but not necessary.
  • We would eventually end up at one of our places of residence. Sitting on a couch (loveseats work, heck, a futon is fine.) We would chat about stupid things that make us laugh.  Occasionally revealing little insights into each other’s minds, beliefs, desires, etc…
  • At some point we would hold hands. I would play with his fingers, enjoy the manliness of them, all while continuing to talk, or just sitting there in silence.  Never discussing the hand holding…that’s the best part.
  • The culmination of this evening would not be bumpin’ nasties (which is my current favorite term for intercourse) Some smoochy smoochy, that’ll work.  The majority of clothes would remain on. 
  • It would become too late to go home, so it would be decided that we should just crawl into bed. I want to sleep with the breath of someone else occasionally blowing past my neck.  With the warmth of another person mixing with mine. I’d even share a pillow…and I don’t like to do that.
  • In the morning, we would wake up and it wouldn’t be awkward or uncomfortable, it would be good. Good-byes would be said. Hugs would be shared and we’d start off our Friday in a good mood.

That is what I would like to do tonight.  If someone asked me I would probably say, “Oh whatever.”  But the above is what I would mean.  Seriously.  SERIOUSLY!

Calling All Boys!

I have recently discovered a secret power I have and I’m offering it up for all you men/boys/males out there. If you are looking for a new girlfriend or to make a commitment to a lady (or heck, a guy if that’s your thing) in your life…..all you have to do is get me to like you. That’s right, be creative, be a musician, have dark hair, be halfway nice to me and before you know it, love will be yours. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be with me….most likely it won’t be with me. I’m like a lucky charm for males around me.

Here are some examples of my power.

High School: dated cute football player. He broke up with me to date a much younger girl and then, apparently while dating her, realized he was gay. He didn’t act on this until much later, but he told me that he made me comfortable enough with himself that he went after the underage hottie and eventually realized that he was more of an “outdoor plumbing” kind of guy. Yippppeee.

College: (hmmm…..hard to pick just one) Let’s just say that every guy I dated is now married, many with children. I have two cats and a dog. When I run into these fine fellas they all tell me how great a person I was and how much confidence I instilled in them and how I taught them how to love better. Whatever. Fuck all of you…..ooops, let me take off my angry eyes.

Post College: Perhaps it’s a case of “once (20 times) bitten, twice shy (to the point of vascilating between being celibate and a slut monkey)” but post college I’ve had a rough run. I’ve surrounded myself, at various times, with some of the most fascinating and wonderful men on the planet. Most of them see/saw me as a really good friend. I was an informant for the female gender (sorry!). In some cases I was a good booty call. Overall, I was/am someone who these guys would come to for advice with girls. I would tell them what I would like and then watched them go do it to/for/with some other girl.

Feel free to leave me a comment if you are a guy who needs some love advice. If you want to get a new girlfriend. wife, etc….in no time flat, be somewhat attractive, silly, smart or any combination of that and I will put a spell on you that will make you irresistible to all woman and completely unaware of seeing me as anything but a friend. If you are a girl, who has a guy friend you’d like to convert….I’m pretty sure my power works that way also.

I just want to make everyone around me happy……..I’m a giver 😀

The 7 Deadly Sins of Canoeing

sub title: How I Spent My Saturday

Some friends and I went canoeing on the Harpeth River this weekend. It was about 100 degrees outside, the sun was shining very brightly and the majority of us had never done this before. We were pumped. Well, we were hot, and running late and verging on grumpy….but we were pumped too. One would think that a day on the river would be a lovely experience where all things done would be for the good, not the bad. Well, stick with my friends and I and we’ll show you how you can commit each of the Seven Deadly Sins in a 24 hour period.

Pride: We were so proud that we didn’t fall into the water trying to get into the canoe from the ramp, like others in our group had. We were proud of how well we were working together, even though only one of us had ever canoed before and it was on a pond. We were proud of only running into the bank a couple of times. We were proud that we were in the lead for a good portion of the day and there wasn’t a penis in our boat. We were proud that we hadn’t turned over at all….until we got some “help” from a couple of the fellas and got dumped out in one quick move.

Greed: Our greed came right along with our pride. We felt as though we had some of the most talent on the river for awhile. We hogged the coolness of our group. We held on to all the beauty of the group. We had the only camera and the only bottles of water….although beer was a more coveted beverage.

Envy: The lovely ladies that I was sharing a canoe with and myself were envious of anyone who didn’t have to walk their canoes in knee deep water for nearly a mile due to the canoe being nearly completely filled with water. We were envious of everyone who could actually turn a canoe full of water over to empty it and then bring it back upright. We were envious of people who didn’t fall out of the canoe more times then we kept track of.

Rage: Pretty quickly into the walking portion of our canoeing trip, rage set in. We were completely pissed that no one had waited for us to make sure we were ok. We were so angry that there was no one would could dump our boat over to get the water out. I was angry at my lack of physical strength and the speed at which I was fading in energy. We were enraged at not having any drinking water. We were enraged at the redneck boys who floated by and just grinned. We were, in general, enraged.

Lust: Well, if I’m around, lust is always a factor. I don’t actually like this term in regards to this part of the trip, but it’ll work. Without there being any sexual aspect to this, we were lusting after the two fine fellas who actually had waited for us, a LONG way down the river. These lovely gentlemen paddled upriver a good quarter mile and saved us. They dumped our boat out, they split up so we would have someone with us who had upper body strength and they never once made fun of us, to our faces, about the predicament.

Gluttony: What do you do after a canoeing trip that had left you battered and bruised and physically exhausted? You go out to dinner, then go to a bar and stay there until it closes of course. You drink copious amounts of alcohol, have conversations that leave your stomach hurting and gasping for air from laughing so much. You enjoy the best things there are in life, which are friends who can see you sweaty and covered in river water and angry from head to toe…and still enjoy your company. If this type of gluttony is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Sloth: I cannot speak for anyone else that went canoeing yesterday, but today I have done nothing. I have bruises on my legs that give me a new sympathy for Nancy Kerrigan. I have a bruise on the top of my foot that is a total mystery. I have bruises on the arches of my feet from the rocks that got caught in my shoes. I have strained thigh muscles from a “graceful” exit of the canoe which resulted in me doing the splits. All of these things have me walking a little slower then normal and taking more naps then my cats.

So there you have it!

  • 1 canoe trip
  • 10 people
  • 4 canoes
  • 3 angry girls
  • dozens of bruises
  • dozens of drinks
  • 7 deadly sins
  • 1 twenty four hour period

Impressive–no?!