Lone Star state of mind

Texas, you big beautiful state you!

Texas has been a part of my life since before I was born. It’s part of family lore that my paternal grandparents missed my birth because my grandpa was afraid they would hit freezing rain in Missouri on their way to their winter home in South Padre Island Texas. I would bet that they day she died, my grandmother was still pissed about that. I would also guarantee that if he had it to do over again, my grandfather would not have risked freezing rain in Missouri.

Shortly after I was born my grandparents moved to Padre permanently. Sure, I never knew what it was like to have grandparents live in the same town as me, but they lived on a freakin’ island!! How cool is that.  Back in the day there wasn’t much to do at Padre, but I never noticed.  They lived less then a block from the beach and when I was there…which was often…the vast majority of my time was spent on the beach, in the gulf or in the swimming pools at the small condo buildings that lined the beach. Seriously, it was an idyllic experience.

Around the age of 6 I started spending long summers in Padre. Sometimes I flew, by myself–such a big girl, but more often then not I was driven down. My dad and I would hop in whatever vehicle he had at the time and set out for a two day trip that only went through two states. Usually we would stop in Dallas and see a family friend who lived there. I’d swim in the pool or we’d go to another friend’s house for brisket or some other such Texas fare. Then early the next day we would take the long drive to the Island.

I love all the small towns in Texas. They are all so different but are all so similar and are all so….Texas. There was a Dairy Queen we would stop at in some tiny town.  There I would just sit and people watch, even at six, and wonder what it was like to live in such a small town. Sure, Edmond Oklahoma is hardly a booming metropolis, but our streets were streets, not farm roads.  We would drive through King Ranch….which takes forever….and then soon we were in the Rio Grande Valley. So many little random business and so much agriculture. I’ve been a lot of places in this country and none are anything like the RGV. Once I started seeing seashell shops, I knew we were close. We would take that drive along the super tall causeway and I was once again home, or at least in my home away from home. My grandparents and parents would talk shit about Texans and how they acted like Texas was the be all end all, but secretly I think they sort of agreed.  My grandma had a decorative plate that had two angels on it and one of them had a speech bubble over it’s head that said, “And if we are very good, we will go to Texas!”  I have all of her plates…but that one is missing. I so wish I had that plate.

Once I moved to California in 1985, trips to Texas became fewer and further between. Plus I was a teenager and let’s face it, teenagers suck and don’t appreciate anything at the time.  When my grandparents moved to Florida around 1994, my trips to Texas ended. I didn’t even knew I missed them until…

September 2005.  While the gulf coast was still reeling from Hurricane Katrina and anticipating Hurricane Rita, I was on my way to the Austin City Limits festival. When I stepped off the plane in Austin, my love for Texas came flooding back. The smell of breakfast tacos, the live music, sharing a plane with Ray Benson and wishing him luck on getting to the festival on time for his slot. It all was perfect. I dropped my stuff off at the hotel, grabbed a cab to Zilker park and I was off. The natural beauty in Texas isn’t easy for some to appreciate. I, however, am truly enchanted by it.  The scrubby mesquite just standing there against the heat and wind. The long stretches of land untouched by “civilization.” All of it resonates inside of me like few other places I’ve ever been. Austin has the lovely Town Lake, the refreshing Barton Springs and so many trails and byways that it’s easy to forget you are in a city. I spent the next three days sweating and breathing dirt and loving my life more then I knew I could. I didn’t eat, I drank water. I took long showers in the evening to remove the mass quantities of soil that seemed embedded in my flesh. I loved it all. It probably didn’t hurt that the first night we were there my favorite band, Reckless Kelly, was playing at Threadgill’s across the street from my hotel.  I’m not usually one to go solo to a show, but I couldn’t miss it and my traveling companion thought slee sounded like a better option. Then I remembered, you’re never alone at a Reckless Kelly show because RK fans are all friends you just haven’t met yet. Sure, the members of the band aren’t FROM Texas, but the heart of the band is from Texas and that all worked out well in my mind.  The next night I had, what I consider, the ultimate Texas evening. Drove down to New Braunfels in the darkest of nights, ate dinner overlooking the Guadalupe river and saw Reckless Kelly at Gruene Hall. Sweet Jesus, I’ve never been a churchgoer, but if church made me feel like that night did, I would be up bright and early every Sunday morning. Of course, Reckless Kelly doesn’t see many early Sunday mornings, so I think I can keep sleeping in.

My next trio to Texas was for SXSW. Lifechanging trip. Ate the best BBQ of my life at Kreuz’s. Had more fun then should be allowed by law. It was confirmed on this trip that Texas had played and continued to play a huge role in my life.

I’ve only been back once since SXSW in 2006 and that was for a Reckless Kelly live cd recording, obsessed? me? surely you jest!  I was there for 16 hours, but what I 16 hours it was. I made friends that night that I still keep in touch with. We were all part of something super special that night…and I don’t think it could have happened anywhere but Texas.

Lately I’ve been NEEDING to go back. Sure, my best friend since first grade had a baby 8 months ago that I haven’t seen in Chicago. Sure, I never visit my family in Florida. But dammit all to hell I need to go to Texas.  I need to breathe that thick air. I need to shop for random things, and cowboy boots!, in Austin.  I need to drink crappy beer and good liquor with some of the most fun people on the planet.  I need to sit in Zilker park and just think. I need to sit on Town Lake  and drink coffee at Mozarts. I need to roam the stacks in Waterloo. I need some Lone Star time.

I guess I’m kind of a lone star myself. But I hope that, much like Texas, with it’s quiet strength, that there is a nobility with me being a lone star. Texas isn’t about the jerks who act like when you cross out of the state line you lose any reason for living.  Texas is about knowing that when you cross into Texas, you are crossing into a special, stark, beautiful, lush and dry land that has endless opportunities and room for endless heartache.

Don’t mess with Texas! 🙂

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Married!!!!!

Let’s preface this with some general statements concerning me and my thoughts on marriage. I respect the institution of marriage. I still hold out some hope that one day I will be married. Marriage isn’t easy under the best circumstances, but can be completely worth the effort. In general, I believe that most of my friends’ marriages are enviable.

I have a friend. He is a musician. He is one of the nicest people I have ever met, but has a “naughty” streak that makes him all the more likable. He’s got a great talent, a raspy voice, an amazing sense of humor and a wife. His wife is gorgeous, but not in a fake, Hollywood way. She is gorgeous in a way that I want to be gorgeous. She is fun to be around, easy to talk to and they love each other in the sweet simple way that is a treat to see.

My friend has not only musical talent, but a talent for making me feel special. When we talk it’s like I’m the only person in the room. He asks me questions about my life, my opinions on things, etc…and listens. Listens, and months or years later will bring these things up, so he not only listens, he retains what I’ve said to him. He has a devilish smile and these dimples that tear me up. He winks at me from the stage. He swears he can hear my screams over others in the crowd and he appreciates how much I pay attention to the shows.  He buys me drinks. He puts me on the list from time to time. He makes sure I’m aware of any show within a 6 hour drive of Nashville and calls me when the band is coming through town on the way to somewhere else. Again, he has a wife.

We got to chat this weekend after a show. Apparently some medication I am on makes me about as hormonal as a teenage boy. So, as we chatted, we got closer and closer to each other. Someone called to him that they were going to another bar, and he nodded that he was going to stick around where we were for awhile. Each comment either one of us made seemed to necessitate a hug or other touching. In any other situation, things would have been moving in the exact direction I wanted them to. But he’s married. At some point, the angel on my shoulder took over (the devil was probably getting a cocktail or something) and I decided to ask how the wife was. Had our conversation been taking place in a cartoon, you would have heard brakes squealing and smoke would have emanated from our bodies. We talked about his wife for a bit and he mentioned how much she and I have in common, etc…but the turn had been taken. The devil was back on my shoulder and was PISSED, but I felt as though a good decision had been made.

Later in the evening, after being mis-directed to another bar, etc…we (Snikki, the boy and I) ended up at a funky bar just chatting and having cocktails. I never am at a loss for words with him, but I’m pretty sure I could sit in silence with him just as easily. Being around him makes me feel comfortable and happy and (sometimes) happy in my panties. In the end however, we are friends and he is married. So I will be content knowing how fortunate I am to know this awesome fella and be left with my imagination, memories of the best hugs ever and the little lick in the ear that closed off the evening…

What’s on my mind today.

  1. a certain friend who is being distant these days. When I ask them about something in particular they indicate that I don’t know what’s going on with their world right now and when I point out that the inquiry was attempting to remedy that precise situation, they say nothing.
  2. an email a friend sent me the other day about “farting strawberries” that continues to make me laugh out loud.
  3. how men can walk into the bathroom with a cup of coffee or other beverage in their hands and do their business. Even if they put the cup on the counter, who knows what kind of “spray” is floating around there. My office is across from the men’s room and I have offered my desk, etc…as a storage spot for beverages. Not nearly enough of them have taken me up on this offer.
  4. sometimes I think that I don’t express aspects of my personality and interest correctly. For example, I love to go to art shows, etc….but I think most people think I’m just a bar type gal.
  5. in addition to art, I also enjoy this immensely. If only I could roller skate and was at all a bad ass.
  6. I want attention from boys, but I don’t want to have to ask for it. Wait, correction, I want attention from certain boys.
  7. most people don’t get me. It’s not that I’m all complicated or anything, I think people just don’t know what to make of me a lot of the time. I guess it makes sense since I don’t know what to make of myself a lot of the time. Perhaps I need to find more folks who are willing to come along for the ride.
  8. There is a boy/man in my office whose hair I want to run my fingers through. In a meeting yesterday I could vividly imagine myself reaching across the table and doing just that. I even think my arm twitched a bit in an effort to move my imagination into reality.
  9. I can’t wait to move into my new place, but HATE packing.
  10. If I look just to the right of my monitor I see my Tim Gunn bobblehead and a chair that has one of my old bridesmaid dresses and a box with a broken piggy bank in it.
  11. My hair needs to be colored in the worst way.
  12. Everyone keeps coming in and “borrowing” my flavored coffee creamer. Whatever.
  13. There is a member of my family who is dying. This person has done terrible things and has pretty much ruined a segment of my family. However, they have recreated themselves for people who don’t know the “other stuff” and those people are completely devastated at the idea of the loss. I feel bad for the people who are able to live in ignorant bliss about this person.
  14. I miss my girlfriends in Cali. like crazy. Recently I’ve just wished it was like 9 years ago and we were all ruling the music department at a So Cal Borders with caustic wit and more estrogen then you can shake a stick at. The best part is that, even though we don’t see each other very often (and I see them the least of all) I know that they will always have my back and I will always have theirs.
  15. I really wish the damn IT guy would come load iTunes on my computer!!!!
  16. cupcakes again……
  17. my dog
  18. how my March madness bracket could have gone SO badly. However, not badly enough for me to be in last place in the work pool, where I would at LEAST get my $10 back!

Ok–that’s all. My mind has just stopped suddenly. I will now go watch the clock countdown until I will leave the office and go to the bar to play some trivia and drink some vodka…..but seriously, I do like art 🙂

Oh dear!

Well, it looks like I’ve done it again. I’ve gone and gotten myself all crushing on a co-worker. Don’t bother shaking your head at me, I’m doing it myself. Sure, the last few days I’ve been attracted to nearly every male to cross my path…but this fella has been popping up in my thoughts for longer then the hormone fairies have been in town. He is also affecting the way I act at work….WHY?!?!?

A couple of weeks ago I was in a meeting and caught myself starting some witty banter with him. That self-realiztion resulted in my becoming suddenly mute. Later that day he came to my office to ask me a question and I was pretty much acting as though I had some sort of impediment that prevented me from communicating like a normal human being. His response to my actions, “You’re having an ‘off’ day aren’t ya?” THANK GOD he didn’t think this was normal for me.

On Halloween I took the holiday as the opportunity to wear a tiara. In a small meeting I was asked if I was a princess….my response “I’m the princess of (my dept) god dammit!” This was said with all the attitude I had in me. I think I even did a neck roll sort of thing. In the midst of the giggling of the other two people in the office with me, I look up to see HIM, in the doorway, not at all sure what to make of what he has walked in to. Damn I’m cool.

Last week I agreed to be at a before work hours meeting because he was going to be there. Bastard didn’t show up….he was running late. I’m sorry, but one shouldn’t run late when I’m having a good hair day AND am wearing my favorite sweater (which isn’t super lovely, but has some sort of magic power that makes me super cool in it).

He walks past my office and my stomach gets weird.

He stands in the hallway outside my office talking to someone else and I shut off my music and eavesdrop.  I mean, sure, he’s talking about the ad shoot for a new client, but I anticipate the conversation being something like “Sure, we can use that director. I mean, I totally have the hots for Heather, so I’m sure he’d do a great job.”  I’m paraphrasing of course.

During an agency meeting when he is giving a presentation about some recent work, I found myself staring at him, even when he was not speaking. I’m pretty sure I got caught a couple of times.  My eyes were so glassed over at the lack of excitement in the meeting that I couldn’t divert my attention very much. I seriously should teach classes on how to be smooth!

Popped into a gathering this morning and he was there. I think I answered all the questions asked of me, but I knowthat his hair looks soft today and that the jeans and black shirt combo works.

What am I thinking?  What good can come of this?  He’s totally older then I am…sure, probably in the range of age I SHOULD be attracted to, but still. His pants are usually too short and sometimes, oh my, I hate to even say this, PLEATED!  But he likes Modest Mouse. He’s good with words. He has nice teeth (and he smokes…so that’s saying something). I’ve started to associate songs with him. He’s got a beard….which is such a “thing” for me these days. I’m pretty sure he’s single and unattached.

Oh hell, office crushes are fun. I’ve already picked out a few places that would be great for a “rendez vous” or a little afternoon delight. Let’s hope I don’t get a glass front on my office…. I’m just saying.

Scene

int: Semi-crowded bar, night.  The post trivia crowd has started to dissipate, but the air is still charged from the marriage proposal that all had just witnessed. A girl, brown hair, cute top, huge smile and stomach ache from the evening’s laughter is deciding if she is ready to leave or not. She looks across the table at the boy, dark hair and eyes and a sly smile, who consumes her thoughts as of late.

Girl:

I think I’m going to head out

Boy:

(extends hand in a gesture that is asking for “five”) Be good, be safe.

Girl:

(gives him “five” but grabs his hand and uses it to pull herself closer)

I can’t leave without a hug.

Boy:

(Pulls girl tight and squeezes, pulling her face into the crook of his neck where she becomes intoxicated with his smell)

But I might not let go.

Girl:

Would that be so bad?

(She looks up from where she is buried in his neck into his sweet, happy eyes)

Boy:

(shrugs and pulls her back in to him)

Girl:

Uh, well, some of us have to work tomorrow…….

ext: girl finds herself walking down the street to her car wondering WHAT THE FUCK HER PROBLEM IS!!!

Viva La Reckless!

I would never be able to call any musician or band my absolute favorite…but if I had a gun to my head the first band that would come to mind (and would be pretty much as close to the truth as I could come to answering that question) would be Reckless Kelly.

My first time seeing them was at the dreaded Bluebird Cafe in Nashville.  A room where you can’t talk without being rudely “shushed” and where “rocking out” is not on the menu!  But it didn’t matter. I loved them about 2 minutes into the set. It doesn’t happen very often with me, to have an instant connection to a band that I have no real prior knowledge of.  But it happened that night.  I knew off the bat that these guys were the real deal. That they LOVED what they do.  That they have a good time with each other. That the lead singer is T-R-O-U-B-L-E!  All of this was before I even realized that there were brothers in the band. I am a sucker and a half for bands with brothers in them. Not sure why…but oy!  Those Braun genes got some good mojo and I was instantly a fan. That was in 2004.

2005 saw my love for them move into “superfan” world….sort of. They played a show on Feb. 13 here in Nashville at Third and Lindsley.  It was two days before “Wicked Twisted Road” was coming out, but I had already procured an advance copy.  Micky and the Motorcars (yet ANOTHER Braun brother band) opened and it was a much more rocking, much more “Reckless” show. If there was any question I was hooked…that question was answered when I came out of the ladies room, ran into Cody (whom I had briefly met earlier) and he gave me a hug and asked if I liked the show. Hugs from musicians are pretty much like crack to me.  Add to that the fact that he seemed to genuinely be concerned that I enjoyed the show and it was all over. I was Reckless to the core.

The rest of 2005 was amazing. I saw them 9 times in 5 different states. I got to know Cody better and meet the rest of the band.  I learned all their songs, even favorite covers. I made friends with other fans. It was great! Becoming a RK fan is like joining a family….it’s pretty amazing.

2006 wasn’t nearly as Reckless a year.  I only saw them play once, although it was THE show to be at, the live recording at La Zona Rosa.  I was in Austin for a total of 16 hours that trip. I ended up at the infamous “Shed” after the show where I stayed and had one of the best times of my life until about 5:45 AM when I had to go catch my flight home.  That year definitely goes into the “quality vs. quantity” world.

2007, in the life of me, opened with a bang. I got a new job, a new dog and an email from Cody that the band was coming through town on the way to a show and inviting me to hang out.  They did, I did, a GREAT time was had by all.  It wasn’t as wonderful as a show, but time with the Brauns is always good.  This brings us to this past weekend. It took them over 2 years, but those boys got themselves back to Nashville to play a show.  They were playing the Exit/In, a venue they had played countless times.  I got my tickets early, just in case and started counting the days. Once I was able to buy milk that had an expiration date after the date of the show I started getting REALLY excited.

Saturday night arrived and I could hardly contain myself.  As we’re waiting in line it was announced that the show is sold out!  While a part of me was thrilled and oh so proud, I was concerned about the friend I had with me who didn’t have a ticket.  Luckily the guy working the door likes me and he let her in.  Then the real excitement began.  The opener, Stoney LaRue, was good.  He even has the same mouth as the boy who has me twitterpated. But, unfortunately for him, he only represented an obstacle between me and my Reckless boys. His set ended and the torture truly began.

The period of time between the opener and their set was like excruciating foreplay.  You’re all hyped up and excited and feeling good, but dammit all to hell, you just want to get down to business. After maybe 40 minutes of this, on walked the band! For lack of a better word, and to keep with the metaphor of sex, the next two hours were like the best sex ever. The best sex ever with LOTS of orgasms! I didn’t care about the drunk girl next to me who looked like she was going to puke at any time. I didn’t care that I was sweating like a crazy person. I didn’t care about anything except those 5 boys on stage and the music they were making. I get completely mesmerized by them.

After the show I got to briefly hang out with Cody before my hunger and tiredness forced me to go home.  That time with him was like post-coital snuggling.  Lots of smiles and happy talking and praise for performance.  Promises that this needs to happen again, sooner rather then later, and lack of desire to leave each others presence.

When I finally woke up on Sunday, I was still smiling. My hair smelled of the smoke from the show and I wasn’t quite ready to get rid of it. I didn’t want to wash the stamp off my hand that had allowed me to drink. I didn’t want to forget any minute of the show. I wanted to live the night all over again.

I feel sorry for people who never feel this way about a band, or anything. An all encompassing thrill derived from watching someone doing what they love and supporting and appreciating every second of it.  I feel sorry for people who never know how much a band they loves appreciates them, let alone gets to hear it first hand. Mostly I feel sorry for me because I don’t know when my next Reckless Kelly show is going to be.

Not really, there’s no crying in Reckless-land!

VIVA LA RECKLESS!!!!!

A Brief Accounting

Here is a brief list of my faults, issues, and confessions. There is no way in the universe that I would ever be able to list all of them, but here are the ones that seem to be causing me the most trauma lately.

  • I fear commitment
  • I fear being lonely
  • I like the wrong boys for the wrong reasons
  • I have big pores
  • I have a tendency to want people to like me so much that I don’t actually let them get to know the “real” me
  • I feel too much
  • I think too much
  • I eat chips and dip for breakfast sometimes
  • I don’t always brush my teeth twice a day
  • I wear my contacts for days on end when I am not supposed to
  • I love my pets too much
  • I REALLY love my dog too much
  • I’m self-centered
  • I can be self-destructive
  • I take insults well
  • I take compliments horribly
  • I don’t speak up for injustice because I still believe that people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time
  • I have no tolerance for stupidity
  • When people say “Do what?” instead of “pardon me” “what was that?” or even “huh?” I want to scream
  • I bite my fingernails
  • I don’t like to clean my kitchen
  • I rarely put away my laundry
  • My good intentions outnumber my good deeds exponentially
  • I expect return phone calls
  • I have no problem sleeping with someone on the first date
  • I have dozens of pairs of shoes and handbags
  • There are 5 handbags in my possession that I have never used
  • I let my dog kiss me on the mouth (mouth closed!)
  • I’m easily entertained
  • I’m easily discouraged
  • I start lots of things that I never finish
  • I get ridiculously happy in the presence of musicians
  • I fear clowns, little people and lawn work
  • I put on a brave face when I want to cry
  • I spent so much of my life trying to not talk too loud that I now get accused of talking too softly
  • I sleep in my clothes more often then anyone with an actual home and actual pajamas should
  • I still believe in fairytales
  • If it wouldn’t make me sick I would only eat appetizers and desserts and only drink Tropicana Light Lemonade or Vodka Tonics
  • I like to get drunk….even if I sometimes fall down
  • I have a list of boys that I want to “lick from head to toe”–it’s a VERY short list and easier to get off then get on
  • I have a freakishly short tongue
  • Sometimes I would rather sit at home alone on Saturday night then go out with actual people
  • If I stay at home alone on Saturday night instead of going out with actual people, I will be pissed at myself about it on Sunday
  • I still draw on myself from time to time, but now I call it “tattoo research”
  • I want better cleavage
  • I rarely make my bed
  • I can’t find the right lipstick color
  • I need something to wear to the agency anniversary party
  • I’m more excited about the open bar at the anniversary party than Ricky Skaggs performing
  • I need a date to the anniversary party—ok, I don’t NEED one, I want one, one particular one.
  • I obsess over boys
  • I quote song lyrics a LOT!
  • I have an oral fixation
  • I want to go canoeing again, with pretty much the same exact people and a whole bucket full of new knowledge
  • I need new panties
  • I have bouts of insomnia and bouts of “whatever you call it when all you do is sleep, but not because you are depressed or physically exhausted”
  • I’m not participating in “Hands on Nashville Day” because I don’t want to be too tired to raise hell with my buddies Reckless Kelly that night
  • I still haven’t finished Harry Potter book 4 and it’s making me want to abandon the series all together
  • I’m tired of listing my faults

Noodle Needs a Dad

Want to be my Dad?

Look at that face!  That is the face of a dog who needs a man in his life.  He needs someone to play rough with him. To take him for rides in his truck.

Noodle, my dog, simply has too much love for one person. It’s sad but true.  He needs someone who can teach him all the things a male can teach another male.  Things I don’t even fake understanding.  He needs another person to truly appreciate all the silly things he does. He needs someone that can use up some more of his energy, so he will leave the cats alone. He needs someone else to laugh at the way he runs, and play  “tug” with him, and roll around on the floor with him.

This single mother stuff isn’t so easy.  The cats were one thing, but Noodle has brought a whole new set of things to think about to the party. So, dog-loving, truck driving, rough playing boys (preferably with beards) you can make a difference in a dog’s life.  Think about it.

Twitterpated

I am currently completely, 100%, ridiculously twitterpated.

I’ve got it bad!  There are other boys in my world that I find attractive, but they all fall short of one person.  I see a vehicle like his and I get happy in my pants.  I think of him and well, all other thoughts go away.  I have known this person for quite some time.  I’ve never thought of them like this before.  For whatever reason, a few days ago, a switch got flipped in my head and it’s all different now.

I’m trying very hard to not be too much different towards this OH SO FINE fella, but adding a little more flirting to the mix.  Of course, it has been said that I’m flirty all the time…so will he “get it?”  We’ve always had a flirtatious friendship, but now it feels more “meaningful” when I flirt with him. I look back on all the times we have spent together and they all seem different.  They are reflected in a mirror that has some sort of “lust filter” on it. Countless times we have fallen asleep together, snuggled on the couch often times holding hands….and I thought nothing of it. Many times he is the last voice I hear at night, and only lately has that seemed to be a big deal to me.

This person is one of the rare males in my life that I only smile when I think about them.  I don’t feel weird when we don’t talk for weeks at a time, wondering if we’re still friends. When I see him and I don’t know he’s going to be there, my face HURTS from smiling so hard. I never feel awkward around him (although I wonder if that will change) and he’s always complimentary and protective and sweet.  He picks up many tabs and opens doors and makes sure I get to my car and home safe.  He teases me and I never feel the least bit hurt, I always know his teasing is out of love.  I can see him with other girls and I don’t ever question my place in his world. He brings out a confidence in me that few others do.

So, what’s the problem?  Well, I hate to admit it, but I’m pretty sure it’s me.  I fear that I am afraid (can you be afraid to be afraid?) that I will have this man in my life in a different, more romantic role and I will get hurt.  Then if I get hurt there, will I lose my dear friend?  Alone I understand, lonely still gets me, but alone I’m good at.  I say that I am independent, but it’s a defense mechanism.  I’m independent because I am so afraid that the second I rely on someone, they will be gone.  Abandonment issues much?  I’m afraid that if I share too much of myself, something they don’t like will come up (although this person has seen me in some bad times and never skipped a beat). I want so much to just lay it all on the line for this guy, just give my heart to him lock, stock and barrel…but what if he doesn’t want it?  I can’t keep throwing my heart around like a snowball.  Have you ever played catch with a snowball?  It takes some hard packing skills and the other person has to be in on it 🙂  Well, as you throw the ball back and forth, the snowball gets smaller and smaller.  It also gets harder and more painful if it hits you.  The last thing I want is to end up with some tiny, icy rock of a heart. But if I don’t throw it out there, won’t it just melt in my hand?

I can’t remember the last time I felt even remotely like I do about this person. Even the person who had custody of my heart for a long while most recently (not that he wanted it) never made me feel like this. I’m happy.  I’m happy knowing that I share a universe with this person and that when our paths cross, only good will happen. I have friends who are pushing for me to pick up the pace a bit, but I can’t say that I really want to. This place we are at, wherever it is, puts a smile on my face, occupies my mind to the point of distraction…and let’s not forget, makes me happy in my pants.

Skills

Everyone has things that they are really good at.  For me, at least this weekend, my laziness was a sight to behold. Seriously, it was amazing!!!! I woke up on the couch at 7am Saturday, transferred into my bed and fell asleep there until 11. So much for taking Noodle to the dog park that morning–sorry pup!  Then I confirmed the afternoon plans and took a nap.  I mean, really, I had been up for like an hour and a half!

Got up, took a shower, got ready and went to see Josh Rouse at Grimey’s.  I love that man. LOVE LOVE LOVE him! I miss the days when I would see him out and about all the time and be completely petrified to actually speak to him.  I’m THAT cool, really, I am. After some Josh, I introduced my friend to the wonderful world of pupusas at Las Americas. She was a tad worried at seeing the beat up parking lot and bars on the window, but felt better once she got it and saw it was nice and clean.  Oh those lovely little pancakes of corn filled with glorious Mexican cheese and beans.  YUM!  And the light, zesty salsa you pour over them….mmmmmmm. So after dropping my friend off, I took my full belly home and, you guessed it, took a nap.  Then I did some flirting via text, watched some America’s Next Top Model and went to bed.

I think all the activity I DIDN’T participate in this weekend transferred itself to my dreams.  I had some crazy, detailed dreams. Dreams I can remember, but cannot explain at all. Most of them had some sort of “baby” storyline and all involved a certain someone. Someone whose name I can’t say without sighing. Someone whose name I WOKE UP saying the last two days. Hmmmm, wonder if I like this person?

Sunday I got up and walked Noodle. I was in a scheduling nightmare. “Rock of Love” was on at 10AM (I had plans in the evening so this was the only time to get my dose of std ridden girls vying for the love of Bret Michaels) and then the Titans game was starting at Noon.  At some point I needed to go to the grocery store and possibly take Noodle to the dog park. SCHEDULING NIGHTMARE!  Well, I watched my skank tv (thank God Lacey is finally gone!) then ran my non-showered self to Publix.  The grocery store on Sunday AM is an interesting place.  There are two groups; the folks stopping on their way home from church and the rest of us.  The rest of us have hats on, no make-up, clothes that may or may not have been slept in the night before. I have never run through the store so fast in my life. Picked up the few essentials I needed, inlcuding chips and dip for the game, made eye contact with no one and got back home as fast as possible.

I got home in time for the kick-off, and took a nap.  This is how I watch football if I am alone. It is a series of cat naps, interspersed with snacks and stress watching the game. Once the game was over, my plans for the evening texted to see if we were still going out. Ended up that one of the three of us that was going out asked for a raincheck and since I had still not taken a shower (pretty girl I am!) I bailed too.  This also meant no dog park OR going out to Jackson’s for Noodle. I’m a bad puppy mom. He didn’t seem to mind, he never does. That is why he rocks! Once I had no real plans any longer, I hopped up and was full of energy.  Did some laundry, some cleaning, etc… Cruised myspace and saw the vacation pictures of the boy I do not know but love and his girlfriend.  I have to say, they look damn happy. Those pictures made me like him even more…..but I’ve never woken up saying HIS name. 🙂

Watched the Emmy’s YAWN! Did a bit more housework. That’s pretty much it.  I’m telling you, I have MAD laziness skills.  I need a nap now…….