The 7 Deadly Sins of Canoeing

sub title: How I Spent My Saturday

Some friends and I went canoeing on the Harpeth River this weekend. It was about 100 degrees outside, the sun was shining very brightly and the majority of us had never done this before. We were pumped. Well, we were hot, and running late and verging on grumpy….but we were pumped too. One would think that a day on the river would be a lovely experience where all things done would be for the good, not the bad. Well, stick with my friends and I and we’ll show you how you can commit each of the Seven Deadly Sins in a 24 hour period.

Pride: We were so proud that we didn’t fall into the water trying to get into the canoe from the ramp, like others in our group had. We were proud of how well we were working together, even though only one of us had ever canoed before and it was on a pond. We were proud of only running into the bank a couple of times. We were proud that we were in the lead for a good portion of the day and there wasn’t a penis in our boat. We were proud that we hadn’t turned over at all….until we got some “help” from a couple of the fellas and got dumped out in one quick move.

Greed: Our greed came right along with our pride. We felt as though we had some of the most talent on the river for awhile. We hogged the coolness of our group. We held on to all the beauty of the group. We had the only camera and the only bottles of water….although beer was a more coveted beverage.

Envy: The lovely ladies that I was sharing a canoe with and myself were envious of anyone who didn’t have to walk their canoes in knee deep water for nearly a mile due to the canoe being nearly completely filled with water. We were envious of everyone who could actually turn a canoe full of water over to empty it and then bring it back upright. We were envious of people who didn’t fall out of the canoe more times then we kept track of.

Rage: Pretty quickly into the walking portion of our canoeing trip, rage set in. We were completely pissed that no one had waited for us to make sure we were ok. We were so angry that there was no one would could dump our boat over to get the water out. I was angry at my lack of physical strength and the speed at which I was fading in energy. We were enraged at not having any drinking water. We were enraged at the redneck boys who floated by and just grinned. We were, in general, enraged.

Lust: Well, if I’m around, lust is always a factor. I don’t actually like this term in regards to this part of the trip, but it’ll work. Without there being any sexual aspect to this, we were lusting after the two fine fellas who actually had waited for us, a LONG way down the river. These lovely gentlemen paddled upriver a good quarter mile and saved us. They dumped our boat out, they split up so we would have someone with us who had upper body strength and they never once made fun of us, to our faces, about the predicament.

Gluttony: What do you do after a canoeing trip that had left you battered and bruised and physically exhausted? You go out to dinner, then go to a bar and stay there until it closes of course. You drink copious amounts of alcohol, have conversations that leave your stomach hurting and gasping for air from laughing so much. You enjoy the best things there are in life, which are friends who can see you sweaty and covered in river water and angry from head to toe…and still enjoy your company. If this type of gluttony is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Sloth: I cannot speak for anyone else that went canoeing yesterday, but today I have done nothing. I have bruises on my legs that give me a new sympathy for Nancy Kerrigan. I have a bruise on the top of my foot that is a total mystery. I have bruises on the arches of my feet from the rocks that got caught in my shoes. I have strained thigh muscles from a “graceful” exit of the canoe which resulted in me doing the splits. All of these things have me walking a little slower then normal and taking more naps then my cats.

So there you have it!

  • 1 canoe trip
  • 10 people
  • 4 canoes
  • 3 angry girls
  • dozens of bruises
  • dozens of drinks
  • 7 deadly sins
  • 1 twenty four hour period