I’ve got a secret

Confession time.

This could be a shock to some. But probably not to anyone who reads this.

I’m a …………..LIBERAL.

I would say Democrat, but I think the two party system is divisiveand antiquated. But Liberal I’m fine with. However, I keep this under wraps a lot of the time. If I don’t know someone’s opinions on things, I won’t bring up possibly controversial topics. It’s the Mid-westerner in me, don’t like to ruffle feathers. If I know we don’t share views on politics, I don’t feel the need to talk about it. Nothing either one of us is going to say is going to change the other person’s mind…not at this point.

Perhaps it’s just my perception, but I feel like Conservatives/Republicans are more free with sharing their opinions. But maybe it is simply another language phenomenon, such as when people speak in a foreign language, it sounds so much louder.

I love America, but like many of the things, people, etc…that I love, it’s got problems. Admitting those problems and wanting to fix them does not make me less patriotic. I think America is an amazing place to live, but I don’t think that others who don’t live here are less then as a result. I am proud and fortunate to have been born in America, but understand that most of the advantages to living here are a result of the hard work of those who weren’t born here. 

I believe in freedom, but I know it’s anything but free. That said, I would like to see the country be concerned about the freedom of OUR citizens, not those of other countries. I want our military home, and not just because I like to look at military boys, but because I hate the idea of people dying for something that no one really understands and is completely unjustified.

I believe in love. I believe that anyone who is fortunate enough to find love in their life with someone they want to spend the rest of their life with should be able to do so and reap the benefits that come with that, even if it’s just social acceptance and being able to be in a hospital room with your loved one.

I believe in choice and have an almost impossible time understanding how anyone can think that “choice” is a dirty word. Every person should have control of what they do with their body. I’m not talking about abortion exclusively, although safe and legal abortions are crucial, I’m talking about choice as to what I can do at any time to my body. I fear that if the government feels it can tell me that I can’t end a pregnancy, it will tell me that I can’t try a experimental drug or get birth control because I’m single and shouldn’t be having sex. It’s a slippery slope….and my balance isn’t good.

I believe in America. I believe that we are a country of dreamers. I believe that we are a country of folks who can get things done. But I mostly believe we are a country that can, and most importantly SHOULD, embrace change. Wouldn’t we all rather be the kid on the playground who is popular for being nice, not feared? I would…but then again, popularity is something I’ve always wanted. We Americans are like that.

THIS single girl’s guide to gay boys

First off, I call all males boys, regardless of age, sexual orientation, etc.

It has been said that gay boys have an affinity for me. I seem to draw them to me. Perhaps I look safe, a port in the storm, if you will. Maybe they can just tell that I think they are fabulous and funny and great in general. Are there invisible words on my forehead that tell them that I don’t judge? Do I give off a serious ‘Straight, not narrow” vibe?  Whatever it is, I like it.

I’ve been watching “Queer as Folk” on DVD lately and it makes me love the gay boys even more. I admire their ability to live complex lives in a society that doesn’t understand, much less accept them in so many ways. I love watching the characters interact with one another in a way that heterosexuals, regardless of gender, simply don’t do.  For example, on an episode I watched last night, one of the guys (guy 1) said to another one( guy 2, whom guy 1 happens to have a horrible crush on) that they were bonded to each other because neither one believes they deserve to be loved. Those words are still resonating in my ears. Straight girls would never admit that to each other. At least, I would never admit that to another straight girl. That’s the thing with gay boys, so much of their lives is considered “wrong” by society that they don’t feel the need to cover things up between themselves…..sometimes.

Watching these DVDs has made me realize a couple of things about the gay boys in (or formally in as the case may be) in my life.  A couple of weeks ago, one of my best work friends moved to Dallas. I am still somewhat in denial about this, but have almost come to the conclusion that he is really gone and that he is not coming back. I gave into this reality when I noticed how quiet my days have become. How I have no one to talk about celebrity gossip with anymore. How Project Runway isn’t as exciting without the re-cap conversation the next morning. How, in general, my days are not nearly as good as they were when he was here.

But, he is a gay boy, and as I have learned the hard way, they get over things like that much faster then I do. Which brings me to the relationship failure that has perhaps affected me most in life. See, I have a gay ex-husband. I never called him my gay husband when we were friends, but with the nastiness that came along with our “break-up” it seems only fitting. I now feel as though I know what it feels like to be a divorcee who never had kids with their ex. You go from seeing each other every day and knowing what it going on in the minutia of each other’s lives, to nothing. Apparently no residue of emotion is supposed to exist. You are just to move on and almost act like the other person doesn’t exist.

Our break-up was complicated, as most break-ups are. I was wrong in many ways and he couldn’t deal with me anymore. This is not to say I don’t feel wronged by him, because believe me, I do. But I am fine with the knowledge that it was my actions who started the decline of our friendship. I was no longer a silly girl who would go anywhere and do anything. I was a terribly depressed person who spent more time crying then anything else. I had gone through some physical issues and work related things that made me a wreck. I understand this. I wasn’t fun to be around. I hated to be around myself, but hated being alone more. I was a mess. Apparently I was too much of a mess for some people to deal with. I understand that.

I guess what I don’t understand is how, nearly 2 years later, I am still hurting over this and he doesn’t seem to care. When we run into each other it’s as though we are faint acquaintences. I will occassionaly send an email commenting on something that we were both in to and get no response. (Admittedly it’s been months since I’ve done this. I can’t deal with that much rejection.) I still find myself almost calling him to share something that only he would appreciate, but then I remember I can’t. I remember that I have lost this person. Except for occassional sightings or updates from mutual friend, or of course, his blog (ahhhhh technology!) he is dead to me.

Perhaps gay boys don’t really like me any more then straight boys? Perhaps our times of laughter and silliness and endless chatter are simply the gay boy/straight girl version of cheap and random sex between straight girls and boys?

I don’t really know. The more I think about things the more I realize that I don’t know much. Maybe that’s fine. Perhaps the knowledge that you don’t know anything is liberating. But right now, it just feels pretty lonely.