Better Living Through Chemistry

So, I’ve been on anti-depressants for about a year and a half now. Seriously! I know it’s shocking for as well adjusted person as I to be taking such measures to be able to function, but it is true. The chemicals in my brain can simply not be trusted to regulate themselves and, this is truly shocking, vast amounts of vodka didn’t really help either. I like to think that this was a great decision on my part and that I am much better at life in general since bringing Celexa into my life. Hopefully those who knew me before and stuck around through some ugly times to see me after would agree.

My prescription ran out a few days ago. Well, let me clarify, the bottle I had ran out the same day my mom came in town for a visit and I got sidetracked and didn’t get a refill ASAP. This, I have come to understand, was a REALLY bad idea. I had been having relentless, exhausting dreams for the last few nights and this morning I woke up with that feeling that I had almost forgotten, that feeling that getting out of bed was going to be a big chore today. At first, I figured it had to do with my mom going home today. That always makes me sad and knowing that it would be over 6 months before I would see her again, definitely is rough. But this had a different feeling, a feeling that was more familiar then I wanted it to be.

I instantly called my prescription in, but the day started to get away from me and it was time to take my mom to the airport before I had a chance to get to Walgreens. As we were sitting at Cracker Barrel ordering food, my mind started racing and I couldn’t keep a thought in my head or form a complete sentence and it turned into a struggle to keep my shit together before dropping my mom off at the airport. She hates leaving under any circumstances, but if the flood of tears I felt pushing on my eyes broke through, there was no way I could have gotten her on the plane. I knew I just needed to get my pills and get home and chill.

If you have never had chemical imbalances or fun things like that, make sure to add that when you count your blessings. It SUCKS! You want to talk to people, but you know you would not make any sense. You want to be alone, but are scared to death to be lonely. It’s like your heart and you brain are duking it out and whichever one is messed up is winning. There is a part of me that is kinda glad this happened, I think I had gotten to comfortable. I needed a little reminder that life is a fragile thing and laziness is no excuse to not take of myself. Now, I’m going to go snuggle with my dog and watch random TV until my mind gets back in order…..

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3 thoughts on “Better Living Through Chemistry

  1. I am sooo with you on this and as you know can completely relate. For anyone who has never had a panic attack, trust me, you don’t ever want to. I wish I could be fine without a prescription but if that’s what it takes to keep me sane, I will be popping those little pills til the day I die!

  2. Wow…usually it takes me a few weeks without the meds before I have one of those weird breakdowns. I must be saner than you!! ha ha!!! 😉

  3. OK. This is completely unrelated but perhaps it will cheer you up (or make you more agitated, I’m not really sure!). I shit you not, there are billboards around L.A. for the “Eye Candy Convention”. Said billboard features blond haired, blue eyed Whorey McWhorester (or whatever stripper name she goes by) on the billboard. I got used to the “Scores” stripclub billboards featuring two bimbos with their mouths suggestively opened and a blank stare that is supposed to entice men that I would pass. I cringed at the “Affordable Breast Augmentation” billboard but whatever. I was sort of bothered by last year’s billboard for “Adult-Con” with some brunette sex worker featured on the gigantic board overlooking the freeway, yet hardly flinched at this year’s version with similar looking blank staring sex worker featured. The sad thing for me here is that I just feel numb to all this nonsense…except that I am slightly offended that the term eye candy is paired up with a blond female on both boards. Is there not any male or brunette eye candy available? It just seems so icky, yet ridiculous. Oh. And these billboards are in the poorest parts of L.A. The societal underlying contexts of all this is just what’s so wrong out here. Ugh.

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