“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”

If the title quote is true….and I believe it to be…does it count if I walk around with a (metaphorical) knife prepared to cut myself wide open at the drop of a hat? Or is it more that I should risk being cut open by someone/something else? I really need to know because the (metaphorical) knife I’ve been wielding lately has become cumbersome and I feel may be scaring people away.

Have you ever found yourself surrounded by a group of people, people who you care deeply about, people who you are pretty sure care about you, and felt completely alone? I had that happen this evening. Friday nights have become something I look forward to lately as a group of us get together and play darts. Tonight was special in that it was one fella’s birthday and I had my own darts that I bought today. All signs would lead to this being a stellar evening.

After my partner and I were eliminated in the first round of the draw…although we gave our opponents a run for their money and I LOVE my darts, the evening took a turn, at least in my mind. I wasn’t really drinking tonight…which is probably why I was so AWARE of things. I felt as though I had become invisible. I would make comments on occasion and try to chat with those around me, but my words seemed to fall on deaf ears. It was like they were looking right through me. Once it was determined that my partner and I were completely out of the draw, I closed my tab and packed up my things. For some reason, as I was saying good-bye, everyone had something to say to me. There were attempts to get me to stay, pleas for me to hang out for just one more beer, etc….But it was too late. I already felt on the outside looking in and no invitation to come in would be enough. In order for me to have stayed there I would have had to had many many drinks very very quickly and I didn’t trust myself to be responsible as the end of the night arrived. I didn’t trust that anyone there would have helped me be responsible either. I felt that if I stuck around more, nothing good would happen.

Had this taken place a year ago, I would have cried uncontrollably the second I left the bar and had a total freak out. With the aid of certain chemicals and a general better outlook on life, I was able to walk away from the situation and chalk it up to not being my night.

You know what really stinks about this whole night? I can trace so much of my angst back to boys. I am so friggin’ tired of having my happiness or lack thereof tied to the males of the species. I mean seriously!!! It is simply not healthy. I would like it if, sometime soon, the planets could align and I would like a guy the same time he likes me. What tends to happen is that I like them, they don’t get it, I get over it and then they like me. Or…and this is much more rare….they like me, I don’t get it, they give up on me and then I like them. It is just so stupid. It’s so juvenile. I love the chase as much as the next girl. I can play hard to get–and deserve an Oscar since I am anything but. But I really don’t want to have to chase or be chased. I want to fall into a comfortable relationship where I don’t feel like I need to read between the lines or anticipate what is coming next. I want to be confident enough in myself in a relationship that I can be confident in him as well. I want someone to hold my hand.

I want someone that I would SO risk being completely cut open for, but know that they never would.

Damn you Chuck Palahniuk and your quotable ass!!!

3 thoughts on ““The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”

  1. I have totally had nights like that, where no matter the history with the people you are hanging with, or how close you *should* feel you are, or how welcome, you just feel like you are on the outside and nothing will make you feel otherwise. Sounds like high school, actually! And screw boys, I’m sure you’ve heard this, cause I used to hear it all the time, but as soon as you stop looking, you will find somebody. Somebody worth risking being cut open for…which is such an awesome metaphor.

  2. i think that this is an issue that is unique to our post-feminism generation, actually. we are fully aware that we are intelligent, strong, beautiful women with all the liberties in the world…and yet we cannot escape the age-old desire to just love and be loved. it’s quite heartbreaking if you think about it. we were armed with all the weapons for the “real” world but there is no education for the ways of the heart.

    let me put down my “chemical aids” and thank you for saying some of the things that i’ve thought of felt so many times before. much love, woman.

  3. I know how you feel…I’ve felt that way sometimes myself.

    Of course, being the person I am who tends to overanalyze everything to death, I tend to nitpick apart my own role in the circumstances to the point that I have this little inner guy inside of me that sounds like Chris Farley going “stupid, stupid, stupid!”

    And, like you, I too often put too much stock into how I am perceived or think I’m perceived by the opposite sex.

    Go back to the whole overanalyzing and Chris Farley thing and magnify by a power of ten…

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