I am currently completely, 100%, ridiculously twitterpated.
I’ve got it bad! There are other boys in my world that I find attractive, but they all fall short of one person. I see a vehicle like his and I get happy in my pants. I think of him and well, all other thoughts go away. I have known this person for quite some time. I’ve never thought of them like this before. For whatever reason, a few days ago, a switch got flipped in my head and it’s all different now.
I’m trying very hard to not be too much different towards this OH SO FINE fella, but adding a little more flirting to the mix. Of course, it has been said that I’m flirty all the time…so will he “get it?” We’ve always had a flirtatious friendship, but now it feels more “meaningful” when I flirt with him. I look back on all the times we have spent together and they all seem different. They are reflected in a mirror that has some sort of “lust filter” on it. Countless times we have fallen asleep together, snuggled on the couch often times holding hands….and I thought nothing of it. Many times he is the last voice I hear at night, and only lately has that seemed to be a big deal to me.
This person is one of the rare males in my life that I only smile when I think about them. I don’t feel weird when we don’t talk for weeks at a time, wondering if we’re still friends. When I see him and I don’t know he’s going to be there, my face HURTS from smiling so hard. I never feel awkward around him (although I wonder if that will change) and he’s always complimentary and protective and sweet. He picks up many tabs and opens doors and makes sure I get to my car and home safe. He teases me and I never feel the least bit hurt, I always know his teasing is out of love. I can see him with other girls and I don’t ever question my place in his world. He brings out a confidence in me that few others do.
So, what’s the problem? Well, I hate to admit it, but I’m pretty sure it’s me. I fear that I am afraid (can you be afraid to be afraid?) that I will have this man in my life in a different, more romantic role and I will get hurt. Then if I get hurt there, will I lose my dear friend? Alone I understand, lonely still gets me, but alone I’m good at. I say that I am independent, but it’s a defense mechanism. I’m independent because I am so afraid that the second I rely on someone, they will be gone. Abandonment issues much? I’m afraid that if I share too much of myself, something they don’t like will come up (although this person has seen me in some bad times and never skipped a beat). I want so much to just lay it all on the line for this guy, just give my heart to him lock, stock and barrel…but what if he doesn’t want it? I can’t keep throwing my heart around like a snowball. Have you ever played catch with a snowball? It takes some hard packing skills and the other person has to be in on it 🙂 Well, as you throw the ball back and forth, the snowball gets smaller and smaller. It also gets harder and more painful if it hits you. The last thing I want is to end up with some tiny, icy rock of a heart. But if I don’t throw it out there, won’t it just melt in my hand?
I can’t remember the last time I felt even remotely like I do about this person. Even the person who had custody of my heart for a long while most recently (not that he wanted it) never made me feel like this. I’m happy. I’m happy knowing that I share a universe with this person and that when our paths cross, only good will happen. I have friends who are pushing for me to pick up the pace a bit, but I can’t say that I really want to. This place we are at, wherever it is, puts a smile on my face, occupies my mind to the point of distraction…and let’s not forget, makes me happy in my pants.