A Brief Accounting

Here is a brief list of my faults, issues, and confessions. There is no way in the universe that I would ever be able to list all of them, but here are the ones that seem to be causing me the most trauma lately.

  • I fear commitment
  • I fear being lonely
  • I like the wrong boys for the wrong reasons
  • I have big pores
  • I have a tendency to want people to like me so much that I don’t actually let them get to know the “real” me
  • I feel too much
  • I think too much
  • I eat chips and dip for breakfast sometimes
  • I don’t always brush my teeth twice a day
  • I wear my contacts for days on end when I am not supposed to
  • I love my pets too much
  • I REALLY love my dog too much
  • I’m self-centered
  • I can be self-destructive
  • I take insults well
  • I take compliments horribly
  • I don’t speak up for injustice because I still believe that people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time
  • I have no tolerance for stupidity
  • When people say “Do what?” instead of “pardon me” “what was that?” or even “huh?” I want to scream
  • I bite my fingernails
  • I don’t like to clean my kitchen
  • I rarely put away my laundry
  • My good intentions outnumber my good deeds exponentially
  • I expect return phone calls
  • I have no problem sleeping with someone on the first date
  • I have dozens of pairs of shoes and handbags
  • There are 5 handbags in my possession that I have never used
  • I let my dog kiss me on the mouth (mouth closed!)
  • I’m easily entertained
  • I’m easily discouraged
  • I start lots of things that I never finish
  • I get ridiculously happy in the presence of musicians
  • I fear clowns, little people and lawn work
  • I put on a brave face when I want to cry
  • I spent so much of my life trying to not talk too loud that I now get accused of talking too softly
  • I sleep in my clothes more often then anyone with an actual home and actual pajamas should
  • I still believe in fairytales
  • If it wouldn’t make me sick I would only eat appetizers and desserts and only drink Tropicana Light Lemonade or Vodka Tonics
  • I like to get drunk….even if I sometimes fall down
  • I have a list of boys that I want to “lick from head to toe”–it’s a VERY short list and easier to get off then get on
  • I have a freakishly short tongue
  • Sometimes I would rather sit at home alone on Saturday night then go out with actual people
  • If I stay at home alone on Saturday night instead of going out with actual people, I will be pissed at myself about it on Sunday
  • I still draw on myself from time to time, but now I call it “tattoo research”
  • I want better cleavage
  • I rarely make my bed
  • I can’t find the right lipstick color
  • I need something to wear to the agency anniversary party
  • I’m more excited about the open bar at the anniversary party than Ricky Skaggs performing
  • I need a date to the anniversary party—ok, I don’t NEED one, I want one, one particular one.
  • I obsess over boys
  • I quote song lyrics a LOT!
  • I have an oral fixation
  • I want to go canoeing again, with pretty much the same exact people and a whole bucket full of new knowledge
  • I need new panties
  • I have bouts of insomnia and bouts of “whatever you call it when all you do is sleep, but not because you are depressed or physically exhausted”
  • I’m not participating in “Hands on Nashville Day” because I don’t want to be too tired to raise hell with my buddies Reckless Kelly that night
  • I still haven’t finished Harry Potter book 4 and it’s making me want to abandon the series all together
  • I’m tired of listing my faults
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S.A.D.

I think I have S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) or maybe it’s more accurately for me “Single Affective Disorder?”

When you are little you are taught that there are four seasons, Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.  This fact is reinforced with decorations on bulletin boards in classrooms, the colors of paints you use in art class and other random lessons. You know, if you lived where there are climate changes, that once Mom busted out the sweaters and cords, it was fall. When you had to try on last year’s coat (in hopes it didn’t fit so you could get a new one) it was Winter.  Once the pastel colors came out, Spring was finally there and then it was just a hop, skip and a jump to Summer.  There was organization to this, it all made sense.

Then you hit High School and the seasons become Football, Basketball, Baseball and Summer, There are mini seasons in there too, Winter Dance season, Homecoming season, Prom season. These too, made sense.  There was a consistency to it all. Everyone in your daily life was on the same schedule.

College comes and it is more about the seasons of “Party Outside” and “Party Inside” with Spring Break thrown in for good measure.  Things weren’t quite as clear cut as they had been, but there were always specific things to look forward to based on the calendar. Semester breaks, end of dreadful classes (seriously, Human Sexuality should have been MUCH better, especially when most of the baseball team was in the class, but alas, it was not!)  and eventually the end of college and the long awaited leap into adulthood. Really, if given the chance, rethink the leap.

Now you’re an adult. WOO HOO! Sure, there is no more homework (well, not as much, depending on the job you get) and you can stay out all night, any night (which you could also do in college) but you don’t do that because you have to get up and go to work. The seasons become less and less pronounced. Spending most of your time in a climate controlled office building, you clothing is dictated more by the HVAC system then anything else. You start to notice that you get less and less access to actual daylight as the seasons move into Fall and Winter. There may even come days when you leave in the dark and come home in the dark. The seasonal change loses some of its romance.

As a single person with no children, you will most likely have other “seasonal issues.” When you are single, you don’t play into many of the societal ideas on seasons as those who are part of a couple or have children.  You don’t have your annual apple picking trip (seriously, I have married friends who do this!), you don’t have the big Spring cleaning weekend,  the planning of the Summer trip, the choosing of the Christmas tree.  Sure, you can do all of these things, but doing them alone loses a large portion of the ceremony. Yeah, these are also things you can do in a group, but when you notice that your group changes every year, it can be a tad sad.  You may start longing for the days when everyone around you was on the same schedule.  You all had picture day, and the first football game and the last day of school, etc where you knew that all the people you cared about and wanted to be with were going to be there with you.

My suggestion for us single folk (and yes, it’s for me as much as, if not more so, then anyone else) as we watch the Summer fade away and the Fall take over, is to buy a new sweater that you feel cozy and good looking in. Take your dog for a walk in the piles of fallen leaves (or yourself if a dog isn’t available) find a sidewalk café where you can sit in your new sweater sipping a tasty warm cider, enjoying the warm Fall sun with a smile on your face. Make it a point to celebrate the changes of the season some way, any way you can. And for goodness sake, help to change the idea that “single” is a bad word.

 

Noodle Needs a Dad

Want to be my Dad?

Look at that face!  That is the face of a dog who needs a man in his life.  He needs someone to play rough with him. To take him for rides in his truck.

Noodle, my dog, simply has too much love for one person. It’s sad but true.  He needs someone who can teach him all the things a male can teach another male.  Things I don’t even fake understanding.  He needs another person to truly appreciate all the silly things he does. He needs someone that can use up some more of his energy, so he will leave the cats alone. He needs someone else to laugh at the way he runs, and play  “tug” with him, and roll around on the floor with him.

This single mother stuff isn’t so easy.  The cats were one thing, but Noodle has brought a whole new set of things to think about to the party. So, dog-loving, truck driving, rough playing boys (preferably with beards) you can make a difference in a dog’s life.  Think about it.

Pure joy and unconditional love

Ok…so this one is about my dog, Noodle.  It seems like there are two topics for me these days, boys and my dog.  Eh…whatever.

So I just took Noodle for his evening walk.  That ball of fur gets so damn excited when I say outside that it isn’t even funny.  He jumps in the air on his hind legs and does pirouettes…. seriously PIROUETTES! He’s so happy to see his leash in my hand that he just licks me and licks me and licks me while I try to put it on.  Once we get out of the door he runs to the top of the stairs and waits for me.  He won’t go anywhere without his mom!  Then he runs down the stairs, the freakishly long fur on his butt bouncing with every step, his too long nails clicking along the way (he only lets me cut one per day….it’s not too effective).

Inevitably, whichever way I am taking at the bottom of the stairs is the opposite from him.  But I keep walking and he always catches up and runs ahead of me, while checking every few seconds that I am still back there.  When it is dark outside, I take him to the large area in front of my building.  It is between the complex and the street, but it is well lit and there is plenty of streetlights.  He starts sniffing and sniffing and sniffing.  Then he runs back and forth in front of me, testing the limits of his leash. He crouches down to be as aerodynamic as possible and goes to town.  It is HILARIOUS!  Tonight, after he did his biz, he went back to sniffing.  He found a dandelion and apparently was allergic because he sneezed really hard and blew the white fuzz completely off the stem.  He stood there for a bit, just looking at the empty stem.  He cocked his head as though he felt kinda bad about the whole thing…but then something flew by him and he had to chase it.

After some more running around like a wild man, he decided it was time to go back in.  He got to the end of the grass area and totally ate it on the sloped curb.  His front legs slid down the slope and his butt went straight up into the air.  He didn’t care.  He’s used to being clumsy, he gets it from his Mom 🙂  On the short walk back to my apartment he managed to get twisted around a sign, twisted around me and try to pee on the old lady downstairs’ fake flowers.  He’s quite the overachiever, let me tell ya.

Throughout this whole walk, I just kept laughing. Out loud. Belly laughs.  He is always so happy and so sweet and so confident in whatever random thing he is doing. It seems kinda pitiful, but words can’t describe how much I love my dog.  I love my cats just as much, but it is just different.  I don’t see a cat nose the second the door opens a bit. If I say the word “Kisses” to the cats, they couldn’t care less. They don’t like to ride in the car or sit on patios with cocktails.  It’s simply a different thing.

It seems a good day to blather on about my dog since when he was a tiny puppy, he was a pirate! Check out the peg leg!

Dear God, I love that face!

Twitterpated

I am currently completely, 100%, ridiculously twitterpated.

I’ve got it bad!  There are other boys in my world that I find attractive, but they all fall short of one person.  I see a vehicle like his and I get happy in my pants.  I think of him and well, all other thoughts go away.  I have known this person for quite some time.  I’ve never thought of them like this before.  For whatever reason, a few days ago, a switch got flipped in my head and it’s all different now.

I’m trying very hard to not be too much different towards this OH SO FINE fella, but adding a little more flirting to the mix.  Of course, it has been said that I’m flirty all the time…so will he “get it?”  We’ve always had a flirtatious friendship, but now it feels more “meaningful” when I flirt with him. I look back on all the times we have spent together and they all seem different.  They are reflected in a mirror that has some sort of “lust filter” on it. Countless times we have fallen asleep together, snuggled on the couch often times holding hands….and I thought nothing of it. Many times he is the last voice I hear at night, and only lately has that seemed to be a big deal to me.

This person is one of the rare males in my life that I only smile when I think about them.  I don’t feel weird when we don’t talk for weeks at a time, wondering if we’re still friends. When I see him and I don’t know he’s going to be there, my face HURTS from smiling so hard. I never feel awkward around him (although I wonder if that will change) and he’s always complimentary and protective and sweet.  He picks up many tabs and opens doors and makes sure I get to my car and home safe.  He teases me and I never feel the least bit hurt, I always know his teasing is out of love.  I can see him with other girls and I don’t ever question my place in his world. He brings out a confidence in me that few others do.

So, what’s the problem?  Well, I hate to admit it, but I’m pretty sure it’s me.  I fear that I am afraid (can you be afraid to be afraid?) that I will have this man in my life in a different, more romantic role and I will get hurt.  Then if I get hurt there, will I lose my dear friend?  Alone I understand, lonely still gets me, but alone I’m good at.  I say that I am independent, but it’s a defense mechanism.  I’m independent because I am so afraid that the second I rely on someone, they will be gone.  Abandonment issues much?  I’m afraid that if I share too much of myself, something they don’t like will come up (although this person has seen me in some bad times and never skipped a beat). I want so much to just lay it all on the line for this guy, just give my heart to him lock, stock and barrel…but what if he doesn’t want it?  I can’t keep throwing my heart around like a snowball.  Have you ever played catch with a snowball?  It takes some hard packing skills and the other person has to be in on it 🙂  Well, as you throw the ball back and forth, the snowball gets smaller and smaller.  It also gets harder and more painful if it hits you.  The last thing I want is to end up with some tiny, icy rock of a heart. But if I don’t throw it out there, won’t it just melt in my hand?

I can’t remember the last time I felt even remotely like I do about this person. Even the person who had custody of my heart for a long while most recently (not that he wanted it) never made me feel like this. I’m happy.  I’m happy knowing that I share a universe with this person and that when our paths cross, only good will happen. I have friends who are pushing for me to pick up the pace a bit, but I can’t say that I really want to. This place we are at, wherever it is, puts a smile on my face, occupies my mind to the point of distraction…and let’s not forget, makes me happy in my pants.

Skills

Everyone has things that they are really good at.  For me, at least this weekend, my laziness was a sight to behold. Seriously, it was amazing!!!! I woke up on the couch at 7am Saturday, transferred into my bed and fell asleep there until 11. So much for taking Noodle to the dog park that morning–sorry pup!  Then I confirmed the afternoon plans and took a nap.  I mean, really, I had been up for like an hour and a half!

Got up, took a shower, got ready and went to see Josh Rouse at Grimey’s.  I love that man. LOVE LOVE LOVE him! I miss the days when I would see him out and about all the time and be completely petrified to actually speak to him.  I’m THAT cool, really, I am. After some Josh, I introduced my friend to the wonderful world of pupusas at Las Americas. She was a tad worried at seeing the beat up parking lot and bars on the window, but felt better once she got it and saw it was nice and clean.  Oh those lovely little pancakes of corn filled with glorious Mexican cheese and beans.  YUM!  And the light, zesty salsa you pour over them….mmmmmmm. So after dropping my friend off, I took my full belly home and, you guessed it, took a nap.  Then I did some flirting via text, watched some America’s Next Top Model and went to bed.

I think all the activity I DIDN’T participate in this weekend transferred itself to my dreams.  I had some crazy, detailed dreams. Dreams I can remember, but cannot explain at all. Most of them had some sort of “baby” storyline and all involved a certain someone. Someone whose name I can’t say without sighing. Someone whose name I WOKE UP saying the last two days. Hmmmm, wonder if I like this person?

Sunday I got up and walked Noodle. I was in a scheduling nightmare. “Rock of Love” was on at 10AM (I had plans in the evening so this was the only time to get my dose of std ridden girls vying for the love of Bret Michaels) and then the Titans game was starting at Noon.  At some point I needed to go to the grocery store and possibly take Noodle to the dog park. SCHEDULING NIGHTMARE!  Well, I watched my skank tv (thank God Lacey is finally gone!) then ran my non-showered self to Publix.  The grocery store on Sunday AM is an interesting place.  There are two groups; the folks stopping on their way home from church and the rest of us.  The rest of us have hats on, no make-up, clothes that may or may not have been slept in the night before. I have never run through the store so fast in my life. Picked up the few essentials I needed, inlcuding chips and dip for the game, made eye contact with no one and got back home as fast as possible.

I got home in time for the kick-off, and took a nap.  This is how I watch football if I am alone. It is a series of cat naps, interspersed with snacks and stress watching the game. Once the game was over, my plans for the evening texted to see if we were still going out. Ended up that one of the three of us that was going out asked for a raincheck and since I had still not taken a shower (pretty girl I am!) I bailed too.  This also meant no dog park OR going out to Jackson’s for Noodle. I’m a bad puppy mom. He didn’t seem to mind, he never does. That is why he rocks! Once I had no real plans any longer, I hopped up and was full of energy.  Did some laundry, some cleaning, etc… Cruised myspace and saw the vacation pictures of the boy I do not know but love and his girlfriend.  I have to say, they look damn happy. Those pictures made me like him even more…..but I’ve never woken up saying HIS name. 🙂

Watched the Emmy’s YAWN! Did a bit more housework. That’s pretty much it.  I’m telling you, I have MAD laziness skills.  I need a nap now…….

Random randomness

My mind doesn’t seem to be able to hold on to thoughts for very long these days. I want to blame the Venti Non-fat Cinnamon Dolce Latte I had today, or the less then pleasant experiences of the past couple of weeks, or planetary alignment. But, I know, in my heart of hearts, that it is just how I get sometimes (although all of the previously mentioned things can’t be helping) When faced with this kind of “mood” I like to make lists. Here is a list of the things that are on heavy rotation in my brain right now:

  • I need to get out of town and go somewhere new FAST!  Barbados, Paris (France, Texas OR Tennessee would be fine) Boston, Frankort KY, wherever….just somewhere I’ve never been.
  • I need to make out with a boy. Soon. I have some people in mind. Is it a sign of a good kisser when you haven’t kissed someone in months, but you can close your eyes and go right back to that last kiss and it makes your stomach flip and your lips tingle?
  • The “Rockstar Casual” dress code for the upcoming agency anniversary party has me stumped.  There is a part of me that wants to go super fabulous, but then again, how much attention do I want?  I WILL be wearing fake eyelashes and some sweet shoes…the rest is a mystery.
  • I have ideas for a few paintings, but I can’t seem to get my happy ass to the art supply store to get canvas.  WTF?
  • Book 4 of Harry Potter is still haunting me. Haunting me because I haven’t finished it.  I think I will go buy books 5 & 6 tonight as inspiration.
  • My cough is still lingering. It’s not as bad and is a totally different cough then it had been, but still annoying.
  • I worry about the holidays this year…I think it will be hard for my Dad.
  • My house needs to be cleaned. Parts are clean, but for the life of me, I don’t seem to be able to get the whole thing clean at the same time!
  • Karl Dean is the new mayor of Nashville. While he would be my second choice, I can’t say anything since I didn’t vote. And NO my first choice was NOT Bob Clement!
  • It is finally nice outside. It was actually COOL outside this morning. I left the windows open last night…..YIPPEEE!
  • I miss my Grandma at odd times. The picture I have of her on my desk makes me smile….and then frown.
  • My job no longer feels like my “new” job. I feel at home here, happy here, appreciated here. Things are good in my career world…..something that was not even close to true a year ago this time.
  • Two weeks from Saturday is the Reckless Kelly show….and I CANNOT WAIT!!!  I love those boys so much and always have so much fun with them I can’t stand it!
  • Mindy Smith’s song “Peace of Mind” is a song I can relate to completely. There isn’t a thought or word in it that doesn’t ring true for me most of the time. I love her and all her craziness!!
  • I’m so excited to be going to Peter’s for sushi tonight.  My mouth waters at the thought. YUMMMMM.
  • The issue of sexuality has been on my mind a lot lately. I truly believe that we are born either hetero or homosexual—or bi-sexual (but I think that happens much less then some would lead you to believe) To think that someone would CHOOSE to be attracted to a particular gender is silly. All of the gay people I know remember being young and being attracted to the same gender. They also remember it being wrong. That makes me sad. How can a societal attitude permeate so strongly that even before it’s ever really discussed, a person can feel “wrong” about how they feel about something, ANYTHING.
  • I need new panties!
  • I have decided on my next tattoo and I want it NOW! I wonder how people will react to it at work, but I don’t think it will be bad.

Well, I guess that is all for now. I already feel more focused now that I’ve cleaned my mind of those thoughts.  They are still in there…but a bit more organized and laid back now.