Available: One Slightly Used Heart

Hmmm–not sure if slightly used is the correct term.  Previously owned?  Don’t like the sound of that. Well worn in?  Eh. Vintage? I’m not THAT old.

Regardless….the important word is available.  In the last few weeks, couple of months, what have you, I have felt a certain change in my spirit towards romance.  Watching a surprisingly good movie this evening, I realized what the change was.  In the movie the main character’s fiance has died and she moves in with his friends, one of which OBVIOUSLY has a major thing for her.  At one point she asks him who he’s dating and he says no one.  He then goes on to say that it doesn’t really matter because he isn’t available anyway.  She thinks he’s having an affair with a married woman or something and then finally clues in that he isn’t “available” because he is in love with her.

It dawned on me that romantic availability doesn’t have a lot to do with there being a “couple,” it has to do with what you feel in your own heart.  In my recent memory I haven’t been available. Sometimes it’s because I was so terrified that I would get my heart broken again that being alone sounded better and sometimes, probably most recently, it is because I had given someone else my heart.  They didn’t take it. Weren’t interested in having it. Were terrified at the prospect of it.  But, none the less, they had it. I knew it. They knew it. What neither of us knew, however, was what to do about it.  I took some lovely self destructive routes. Did some things I might not have done otherwise.  Said things that they didn’t deserve to hear–not bad things, but actually rather nice things that they didn’t deserve because they couldn’t deal with them. A variety of things happened and it all came to a pounding crescendo…and that was it. The level for which I care for this person is the same, but the level at which that caring effects me is much different. I feel like things are almost back to normal and that is good.

Which brings me to where I am today.  Today I am feeling more open at the prospect of romance, etc… then I have in a long time.  I’m not analyzing what I think I want or need, but just seeing how people make me feel.  People who make me feel good, emotionally or physically are tops in my book. It isn’t about being “cool” or suave or debonair.  I’m not looking for a bad boy or a good boy.  I’m not really looking for anything other then someone who gets as much pleasure from my company as I do from their’s. It’s all about a smile or a laugh or a hug or the random touching of a hand that sends electricity through my body.

I had a very restless night sleeping last night that, I believe, is within this same topic.  I had so many very “hot” dreams last night about a certain person that I woke up a couple of times out of breath.  Physically out of breath, sweating and smiling.  These were dreams, just dreams, but DAYUM! The only thing that troubles me about these dreams is that there is some sort of disconnect in my feelings for this person.  I love them to death.  I would do anything for them.  They are sweet and kind and silly and manly and cute.  They are a very important friend to me.  I am also incredibly physically attracted to them. They have a way of looking at me that gives me butterflies.  They have a playful nature that really floats my boat.  So it would seem that all the pieces are there for a good thing.  However, for the life of me, I can’t imagine dating this person.  Sure, hanging out is good. Sure, hours of hot monkey sex is good. But somehow, I can’t bridge the gap.  For the record….there has been no hot monkey sex.  I was talking to a friend about this and they were asking what the difference is?  Isn’t dating basically hanging out and then having sex?  But, somehow, in my odd little mind, it’s different.  When I hang out with someone I’m dating, there is always a monkey sex undertone.  There are little glances and random touching that is all some very early foreplay.  When I hang out with this person, it’s just hanging out. Talking about what we’ve been doing, movies, etc….Sure, there may be some flirting, but it’s the kind of flirting that females do with their male friends, flirting that has no intention of being anything other then flirting.  What the hell is my problem? I can 100% say that I am open and available, is there something about this (pardon the expression) “low hanging fruit” that doesn’t have enough of a challenge for me? Even after all I’ve learned, do I still need a bit more of a challenge?  God I hope not.

We won’t even get into my boy obsession I don’t actually know…….that’s a mess for another day.

It’s week 3 on the bc pills, and that is always interesting. Perhaps this hormonal surge will be just what I need to get things in motion. Hee hee, that would be cool.

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